Midnight Mindset

NEW BLOG

2010-04-29T10:17:00.000-07:00

I moved to Tumblr....

http://classyconti.tumblr.com/

I used to think Tumblr was a homebase for Hipsters to post abstract pictures of their cigarette butts, Converse, and girls making mustaches with strands of hair (“It’s ironic because I’m a girl, you probably wouldn’t get it, it’s very abstract and post modern).

But according to @JohnCMayer Tumblr serves a greater purpose:

It’s the future of social networking if your image of the future features intelligent discourse. I love reading other Tumblr users replies, because they’re thoughtful by virtue of the fact that if they’re not, they’ll bring the intellectual property value of their own blog down, and that’s a commodity on Tumblr.

I have to admit, I was starting to feel like a Twit on Twitter.

The 140 character limit suffocated my creativity and slashed up my spelling. To the point that I was spelling “mayor” and in Quimby, “Mayer” as in JohnC…

….okay that could be my own fault.

Already I’m having fun tumbling.

Here’s why:

There’s a place for me to post quotes from some of the greatest minds of my generation like Heidi Montag and the cast of the Jersey Shore.
There’s a place for me to work on my screenplay, in the form of chats from my over anxious Italian Mother.
There a place for me to post pictures of things that inspire me artistically, like possibly erotic wallpaper found in local bar bathrooms.
If something moves me on Youtube I can easily share it. Like that video of the McDonalds McMillinare, which I still can’t get enough of..
If a richly artistic ditty makes my heart stings sing I can spread the love and share the music, Like Van Halen’s “Jump” which I’ve had stuck in my head since Beer Fest.
I can share links I like..

WHAT I WOULD'VE TWEETED

2010-03-30T13:00:00.000-07:00

What I would’ve tweeted… If there was Twitter back then. For real you can follow me on Twitter here: http://twitter.com/GMConti

(That was my Perez Hilton impression...)

GMConti

That's you!

Just got woken up from the best nap ever. Sticky.

3:00AM July 18^th, 1987 via birth

My mom keeps taking pictures of me. There’s cake. Wish I had teeth.

5:00PM July 18^th, 1988 via 1^st Birthday

Mom & Dad want to go on this thing they call the “Subway”. So I hailed my first cab.

3:30PM March 2^nd, 1989 via 2 years old.

Saw the Little Mermaid. Sad I couldn’t meet the cast after.

3:30PM March 2^nd, 1990 via 3 years old.

A boy bit me. I bit him back. I got a time out, and he got a cookie. This makes me want to burn the bra I don’t have yet.

1:30PM September 12^th, 1991 via 4 years old.

Watching the Wizard of Oz again. You never know, something could change this time!

6:30PM June 12^th, 1992 via 5 years old.

Moved to Connecticut. I hope I don’t start wearing pastels.

3:30PM November 12^th, 1993 via 6 years old.

Just saw the Lion King. Apparently real cats don’t like getting held up while you attempt to sing “The Circle of Life”.

4:00PM June 22^nd, 1994 via 7 years old.

I LOVE Alanis Morissette. Best cassette tape EVER. Now I know what “ironic” means.

3:30PM October 15^th, 1995 via 8 years old.

If I wear Soccer sneakers, people will think I can play sports…

3:30PM February 12th, 1996 via 9 years old.

CAMP! I’m the only non-Jew without a Baby-G watch. Well at least I have my Tomagachi.

3:30PM July 20th, 1997 via 10 years old.

First day of Middle School. If I dress like Cher from Clueless, I’ll be popular like her, right?

7:30AM August 29th, 1998 via 11 years old.

Got boobs! Also getting a lot of hugs from boys…

2:45 PM September 20th, 1999 via 12 years old.

Mitzvah Season! Still not Jewish. Please stop yelling at me. I can’t read the torah.

5:30PM April 10th, 2000 via 13 years old.

First day of High School. Better wear my Abercrombie shirt so I can fit in.

7:30AM September 1^st, 2001 via 14 years old.

I have a crush, he's tall, handsome, loves fashion, musicals… and men…Damnit!

9:30PM May 10th , 2002 via 15 years old.

Got my first fake ID. The girl’s black. Good thing I wear lots of bronzer!

10:30AM July 18th, 2003 via 16 years old.

Got a sidekick! All I need is a small dog, a fake tan, and a sex tape to be JUST like Paris Hilton.

2:30PM March 5th, 2004 via 17 years old.

Collage! Now if I could just spell “College” right…

2:30PM September 5th, 2005 via 18 years old.

Lets face it, Chinchillas serve no purpose other than being worn - #ThingsISaidToAVegan

5:30PM April 9th, 2006 via 19 years old.

New crush, he's tall, handsome, loves fashion, musicals… and he’s straight?

#OnlyAtEmerson.

5:30PM September 9th, 2007 via 20 years old.

FiNaly 21!!! YAyyyY! Drinkingggg… hahahaha MuSic! Wheram I?

asdalks;nrei s,anfdwliher

#drunk

5:30PM September 9th, 2008 via 21 years old.

Has officially lost my glasses... now how will people know I'm smart and alternative?! Oh yeah, and how will I see things?

#LA

5:30PM December 9th, 2009 via 22 years old.

PRETTY OR SHITTY: MY TAKE ON THIS WEEK’S POP CULTURE….

2010-03-29T13:32:00.000-07:00

PRETTY
JESSIE JAMES, THE COUNTRY SINGER
It must suck to have this name right now. This is what I landed on when I goolged “Jessie James” and spelled it wrong…
SHITTY
JESSE JAMES, THE ASSHOLE
Jesse James is the new Tiger Woods.
Am I the only one who is NOT shocked by this whole debacle?
For starters Sandra is out of his league.
Also what do you expect from a man who shares a name with one of the most famous American outlaws of all time, and who's own fame is found in motorcycles, tattoos and a short-lived show called Jesse James is a Dead Man?

SHITTY

ZACH BRAFF CANCELS SCRUBS ON FACEBOOK

And here I thought Facebook was only good for seeing if people got ugly….

PRETTY

MTV CANCELS THE HILLS

Let’s face it, The Jersey Shore is the new Hills. And Chat Roulette is the new Jersey Shore...

PRETTY

THE BIRD & THE BEE COVERING HALL & OATS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LzmM85wnM8k

Get this CD.

If you are a diehard Hall & Oates Fan, hate covers, and are "allergic" to female vocalists you might be skeptical.

But seriously, get over yourself, and get this.

SHITTY

THE CONTESTS ON AMERICAN IDOL COVERING ANYTHING

Specifically Didi Benami covering Linda Ronstadt “No Good”.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xyd_tVCu4cw

I don’t know what was worst, her squeaky off pitch performance, or how much fun the judges had telling her that she was “no good”.

PRETTY

THE RUNAWAYS THE MOVIE

Worth seeing. I didn’t think I would say this but, Kristin Stewart was awesome. She really got into this character (and it wasn’t just the haircut).

SHITTY

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE RUNAWAYS THE BAND

You know Joan Jett most likely from her own career. But you probably haven’t heard of Dakota Fanning’s character (Cherie Currie) who is now an accomplished Chainsaw Carving Artist? (Yes, that’s a thing)

http://www.chainsawchick.com/

PRETTY

BUZZ ALDRIN ON DANCING WITH THE STARS

I LOVE OLD PEOPLE. And this one is ADORABLE. However since he’s so old, I think they should judge him less on his ability to dance and more on his ability to not get a heart attack.

SHITTY

BROOKE BURKE ON DANCING WITH THE STARS

So yeah she’s the new co-host. And while she can read cue cards decently, she’s not the best with the whole interview thing. Especially when paired with Niecy Nash from Reno 911. After curvy Nash told toothpick size Burke that she was dedicating her performance to “thick” girls everywhere, Burke was left speechless and then quickly muttered, “I love that you’re embracing----the women?”

Huh?

“The women”?

Clearly you don’t “love it” because you don’t even know what you're taking about….

PRETTY

THE CAST OF IF I CAN DREAM

SHITTY

THE PERSONALITIES OF THE CAST OF IF I CAN DREAM

Question: What happens when you put five pretty people on camera 24/7?

Answer: Not a whole lot. Watching this show is like watching an angel fish swim in a tank. It's nice to look at, but don’t expect it to do something other than swim

DIRECTIONS ARE FOR DUMMIES

2010-03-16T15:54:00.000-07:00

I think reading directions are a waste of time. Which might explain why I suck at driving.

My mother on the other hand loves directions.

She won’t use any product with out reading every single syllable on the label.

Then she writes a letter to the FDA explaining to them why they are wrong. Then she uses the product her way, which is enviably followed by this conversation:

MOM: How are your teeth so white?

ME: I used Crest White Strips

MOM: How come, when I used them it didn't work?

ME: How long did you use them for?

MOM: Long enough*.

ME: It should’ve worked.

MOM: But really, how are your teeth so white?

ME: Crest White strips!

And this conversation circulates in an Abbott and Costello fashion until my mother finds something else to complain about.

*To my mother, “long enough” was at most five minutes (instead of the prescribed 30). If you met my Mother you would understand why her not talking for five minutes is as likely as you never seeing a Michael Jackson tribute ever again.

Just to prove the idiocy of reading directions on labels, here are the directions on the label of of an every day products that even a monkey would know how to use.

FACE VALUE REFRESHING MOUTHWASH

DIRECTIONS: Rinse or gargle for 30 seconds with one ounce (approximately 2/3 capful of this product). Do not swallow. Get kissably close with this product. The invigorating taste of this product tells you it’s killing germs that cause bad breath. It’s minty taste tells you how minty fresh your breath can be. Use this product and have confidence to get kissably close.

WTF. Are these directions or an advertisement?! First of all “kissably” is not a word. Secondly, how do you expect me to take the time to precisely measure out the mouthwash, if I have some kissing to do? And what happens if I overdose on the wash? Or if I swallow it? Hey, Refreshing Mouth Wash, instead of telling me that I need to kiss more people after using your product, how about you tell me how to not die from using your product?!

PRETTY OR SHITTY: MY PERSONAL HIT LIST OF THIS WEEK'S POP CULTURE

2010-03-15T15:29:00.000-07:00

PRETTY

THE NEW LADY GAGA & BEYONCE MUSIC VIDEO FOR “TELEPHONE”.

If wearing sunglasses made of smoking cigarettes isn’t pretty, then I don’t know what is.

In fact, This video was so pretty that Jenna Maroney (you know the fictitious character from 30 Rock that I follow on Twitter) tweeted with envy :

JennaMaroneyTGS Who cares about Lady Gaga & Beyonce's Telephone? Me and the sister who was written off "Family Matters" just premiered our new video Pager.

SHITTY

THE NEW LADY GAGA & BEYONCE MUSIC VIDEO FOR “TELEPHONE”.

And then it gets weird……

For starters Beyonce and Lady Gaga each bite into a donut and then throw it out.

NOT COOL.

Not only is that a waste of a perfectly good pastry, it’s also called LITTERING.

Also the dialog could use some work.

At one point Gaga says “You know what they say, once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger”.

Yeah, I think they also say "when you kill a donut you should EAT IT and not litter".

Also, WHO SAYS THAT?! Sarah Palin?

Oh no. On Jay Leno, before doing “standup” obviously written by Jay Leno’s writer’s room, Sarah Palin said this:

“You know that old saying where I can travel halfway around the world before truth even has a chance to put it’s pants on in the morning.”

…..

Yes Sarah, I’m sure that “old saying” it’s right up there with this motivational poster.

Talk about Kitten cruelty.

And yes, I just compared Sarah Palin to Lady Gaga.

PRETTY

JOEL MCHALE STRIPPING DOWN IN COMMUNITY.

Did you see last week’s episode? I’m STILL thinking about it. I never knew The Soup could be this hot.

Watch the clip.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/132503/community-face-off#s-p1-sr-i1

There are so many balls!

As in pool balls, they’re playing a game of pool in that scene, you perv.

SHITTY

BLAKE CLARK STRIPPING DOWN IN COMMUNITY

This made me gag…which was the point. You might know Blake Clark from Boy Meets World as the father of the dreamy Sean Hunter

aka Ryder Strong aka “What Ever Happened to That Guy?!

PRETTY

JUSTIN BIEBER

Okay, I finally get it. This kid is adorable. And that song is so damn catchy. However, I wonder what will happen when he hits puberty….

But I must attribute my Justin Bieber appreciation to this video from Aziz Ansari’s website (www.azizisbored.tumblr.com) where his character Raaaaaaaady (that’s 8 A’s) declarers war on Justin Bieber.

http://azizisbored.tumblr.com/post/434677432/raaaaaaaandy-declares-war-on-justin-bieber-did

SHITTY

LIL' WAYNE SINGING

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_K9WtkPHrw

Yes, Lil’ Wayne sings. Which must be hard for someone who doesn’t have a lot of real teeth. I mean, you’ve heard Hilary Duff “sing”.

In Lil' Wayne's new jam “Knockout” which is another catchy diddy, he indeed sings, but it resembles more of a screech or a pelican mating call…

PRETTY

UCB'S FACEBOOK SHOW

http://losangeles.ucbtheatre.com/shows/913

I can’t believe I haven’t seen this show until last Wednesday. Improv inspired through someone’s Facebook page.

What fun. They ripped apart a girl’s profile who claimed to be dating a porn star. This takes Facebook stalking to a whole new level. It also made me rethink my profile…

SHITTY

MY MOM ON FACEBOOK

That's not my mom, or me. But my Mom just figured out how to Facebook chat. Oh, the horror.

PRETTY

JAY BARUCHEL IN SHE'S OUT OF MY LEAGUE

I have a crush. He was so cute in this movie that I’ll look past this flick's flaw: most of the “punch lines” were pop culture references… that are already outdated (Hannah Montana), says the girl who’s blogging about pop culture.

SHITTY

I WAS RATED A 6 ON CHAT ROULETTE.

And I thought the moral of She’s Out of My League is that everyone is a 10....

PRETTY

This video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32vpgNiAH60

Chat Roulette Piano Improv.

Although this guy calls himself Merton, I’m pretty positive it’s Ben Folds. Because he looks like Ben Folds, sounds like Ben Folds, and no one would make up a name like "Merton" besides Ben Folds.

Thoughts?

THE BEST AND WORST DRESSED OF THE 2010 OSCARS: HOW OSCAR CAN BE SEDUCED BY THE RIGHT DRESS

2010-03-09T12:20:00.000-08:00

I figure since Joan Rivers is still yapping about it on E!, I can too.

Here is my Best & Worst Dressed this years Oscars, some ranting, and a study on how to dress to win an Oscar.

THE BEST

CAMERON DIAZ

Classic Hollywood, sparkly, and even coordinates with the extravagant looking chandelier-like set,

So, Academy, I take it the recession is over?

I was so distracted by the shininess of her dress I almost forget about that napkin she called "couture" a few years back.

Yes Cameron, I'm just as surprised over why they keep on inviting you back every year. What exactly is your Oscar affiliation? The closest she ever got to an Oscar was an ALMA. I’m not sure what that is. Is that something we should remember? Oh no, that’s the Alamo. But don’t worry she was nominated for a Nickelodeon Kids Choice Award four times and NEVER won. That’s just as prestigious as an Oscar nom, right ?

MERYL STREEP

Perfection. Age appropriate and that white really makes her glow! In fact, she looked so gorgeous it inspired me to make a drink called “The Meryl”: muddled ginger, pineapple, vodka, sugar and grapefruit juice. According to a friend, the name fits because the drink looks wrinkly. According to me, Meryl is stunning even with these alleged wrinkles (she’s 60!), and that’s not just because a young Meryl was my Facebook Doppelganger.

SANDRA BULLOCK

So, apparently when you match your dress to your predicted Oscar, you win. Here’s another Oscar hint: no longer do you need to play someone who is handicap, homosexual, dying or a Nazi to go home with Oscar. All you have to do is dye your hair! And get dual use out of your new locks by making a box office flop where you dress like a “free sprit” who wears mini skirts and “wild” red boots.

Look at you not dressing like everybody else! Here’s a medal! We call it an Oscar! Only we’re giving it to you for that other movie you made this year that broke racial barriers and reminded us of your “range”…… in hair color.

DEMI MOORE

Gorgeous. Great color on you. Perfection. But I’m getting Déjà vu. Did you wear that before? No, not possible because when you designed your own dress it looked like this.

Am I the only one who notices this dress is a less poufy version of Penolope Cruz’ 2007 Oscar dress?

Which would make sense because they are both Versace….

MO’NIQUE

Damn girl, looking good! That dress is so vibrant I’m not even looking at your infamous hairy legs.

And just like her simple yet elegant dress, so was her Oscar speech. Which kinda disappointed me. I was hoping she would go into her stand-up riff on her hatred for skinny bitches.

Some of my favorite Mo’Nique quotes include:

“F*ck you skinny, bulimic, anorexic, mother f*ckers. Big women it’s about goddamn time! Skinny bitches are evil and need to be destroyed.” - Mo'Nique

You can watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fwjdtzk1Zs

This rant would've be fitting because her opponents (Penolope Cruz, Vera Farmiga, Anna Kendrick and Maggie Gyllenhaal) are skinny in comparison to her.

WORST

ZOE SALDANA

Such a shame because her hair and make-up was flawless. This dress was part Vanna White, part Gonzo.

She would’ve been better dressed if she went as her Avatar.

I didn't see Avatar... So I'm not sure if this is the right one.

MILEY CYRUS

When she presented I couldn’t help but adjust my own posture. It was like watching Quasi Motto. Miley claimed she was channeling Marilyn Monore on Oscar night, here’s the major difference, Marilyn would never hunch!

DIANE KRUGER

We get it you were a model and now you’re an actress, but please stop wearing runway on the red carpet. It doesn’t translate. You keep on going with these frumpy busy fabrics that might make sense during fashion week, but clashes with the red carpet.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

I love you, but what were you thinking with this? All of this is a miss. For starters, your face is melting. Please get your Botox before the show next time. And your hair! Ever hear of hair spray? Next time please use it before you’re under bright lights and on camera. I get it, it’s raining, but I’m sure you have access to a mirror at the Kodak. Hello! This is LA! Mirrors are everywhere to cater to the vanity of this town. And that dress, ek! You’re presenting an award for best costume design, would it kill you to put on a descent costume?! This dress is almost drooping more than your face. I hope this is not a preview of what we can expect in Sex & the City II, because if this is the case you can count me out of getting dressed up and going to the midnight showing.

CAREY MULLIGAN

You would think someone who was in a movie called “An Education” would have the smarts to put on a descent dress, instead of this Prada Plague. If the devil does indeed wear Prada, this needs to be burned in hell. First of all who thought it was a good idea to put cutlery on a dress?! Well the perk with this is if they run out of forks at the Governor’s Ball, Carey’s got you covered. Also, if you want to win, you better dress the part. When was the last time you saw someone win a best actress wearing a sloppy black dress? NEVER! Because Oscar winners don’t dress like they’re going to a funeral, unless you’re Nicole Kidman, but you can get away with it, because, well, you’re Nicole Kidman.

2010 Sandra Bullock- metallic

2009 Kate Winslet- blue metallic

2008- Marion Cotillard- white

2007 – Helen Mirren – Gold

2006- Resse Witherspoon white/gold

2005 – Hilary Swank Navy

2004- Charlize Theron – gold

2003 Nicole Kidman

2002 Halle Berry- red

2001 Julia Roberts- black and white

2000 Hilary Swank – metallic green

YOU KNOW YOU'RE WATCHING A 90'S MOVIE WHEN...

2010-02-18T14:59:00.000-08:00

I caught the last few minutes of a movie my roommate was watching last night. And just in those few minutes I knew I was watching a 90s movie. This prompted me to make this list:

You know you’re watching a 90s movie when.....

1.) The leading man’s hair is longer than the leading lady’s

2.) Janeane Garofalo and or Steve Zahn and or David Spade make either a cameo or costar

3.) “Stay” by Lisa Loeb plays at least once

4.) There’s a lot of denim and flannel shirts, also It’s fashionably acceptable to tie those shirts around your waist

5.) Everyone drinks a lot of coffee and smokes a lot of cigarettes (rebels!)

6.) Someone’s in a band or plays the guitar

7.) Ethan Hawke is semi attractive, but still creepy because he kind of looks like Kevin Dillion

8.) Someone hates their parents aka teenage angst

9.) Someone’s going to “change the world with their documentary”.

10.) Someone’s a feminist

This all came from watching the last 20 minutes of “Reality Bites” (1994),

How do you spot a 90s movie?

WHAT I LEARNED FROM BEING A COUCH POTATO

2010-01-22T10:27:00.000-08:00

I was home sick yesterday watching daytime TV. Since most of you have jobs, lives, etc. I thought I fill you in on what went down…

1PM (PRE-TV): I'M SICK, NOT DEAD
After texting in sick and then passing out, I woke up to 6 missed calls and a text message.

At last, some action on my phone besides "Low Battery".

It looks like a text message!

I got super excited... only to discover all six missed calls and voicemails belonged to my mother.

And the one text message I had was from my coworker who alerted me my mom called work to see if anyone in the office had swine flu.

Come on Jules, Swine flu was so 2008.

130PM: CEREAL AND CENSORED TV

I tried to be productive, but there's only so much you can do when your nose runs every five seconds. So I watched "The Sweetest Thing" which was on E!

Not the same movie when edited for cable. They should’ve renamed this made for TV version "The" because that’s all that was left.

Also, fun IMDB fact, the guy who pays Cameron Diaz love interest in this chick flick, is the same guy who plays the main guy on "Hung".

And the writer of this movie, while this is her only screenplay, was a writer on "South Park" for many years...NOW YOU KNOW!

3PM RUDELY INTERRUPTED

So then I wanted to watch "Tyra" because I figured that's daytime TV at it's best.

And just as Tyra was about to tell me three words that could win me a man (which I'm sure did not include "I Watch Trya"), she was Kayned by an emergency weather warning.

Like I care.

Why do they put that on TV? WARNING it's raining outside. Thanks! That's why I'm sitting on the couch watching Trya.

THEN the dumb ass meteorologist had to get on the screen with her spray on tan, fake boobs, and red dress (who wears red on camera, seriously?), yeah I'm sure she has her degree in meteorology. The girl kept stumbling over the word "mass".

Also, can meteorologists start speaking English? I didn't study meteorology… I don't know what a "cold front" is. If I was stepping outside can you just tell me things I need to know like, how many layers should I wear? Or is this humidity going to mess up my hair?

330PM JERSEY SHORE MARATHON

AGAIN interrupted by a flood warning just as Snookie was about to get punched. NOT COOL.

...okay so my expired flu medication that I got on sale at Walgreens is kicking in.

Lesson Learned: Daytime TV getting interrupted by weather warnings may be TVs way of saying "get a life".

THIS JUST IN: THE GOLDEN GLOBES STILL HAPPENED LAST NIGHT

2010-01-18T22:54:00.000-08:00

Yes it's been over 24 hours... but I'm watching E!s fashion police on the Golden Globes right now. I figure if E!s still talking about it, I can still talk about it.

So Michael Jackson....

Let me preface this with saying, I'm not a fan of the Golden Globes. Because lets face it, it's not the Oscars and it's not the Emmys. It's a weird mash up of both, judged by press that isn't even in our country. Let's not forget these are the same countries think David Hasselhoff is a God...

...and no, that doesn't make him a good actor.

But Ricky Gervais was hosting.

I'd watch him host a dog show. And I'm a "cat person".

In the spirit of my sorority, I will format my tardy coverage of the Golden Globes with my personal highs and lows.

LOW- the Red Carpet coverage, specifically Giuliana Rancic.
A.) Why are you dressed up like the Tin Man?

Wish I could find a pic of her dress.. but trust me.. it kinda looked like this.
B.) Why are you yelling at George Clooney?
C.) Why am I watching you now on E!'s Fashion Police, sitting there, oranger than Snookie and wearing a dress that matches your khaki hair extensions?

HIGH- Joan Rivers.

She is my hero. "Join us next week when we cover an award show that describes my boobs, SAG." LOVE HER.

LOW- Whoever was in the control room during the taping of the show.

Really? Shaky cameras? Out of focus lenses? Capturing the wrong actor on camera when you’re announcing his nominee? My college's award show is shot better than this...

HIGH- I was eating delicious guacamole at the time.

Yes Shara, they should make a Facebook fanpage for your guac. I'll start it. :)

LOW- Julianna Margulies' Dress

Was she serious with that thing? I think I saw that same dress only sluttier at Wet Seal this weekend...where I totally didn't go into, and definitely didn't buy a Blossom-esque spandex dress that I convinced myself didn't look like it was from Wet Seal, but two glasses of wine later realized, yes this dress looks JUST like something from Wet Seal. I broke the cardinal rule of bargain shopping "Don't buy something from [Insert Cheesy Store Targeted to Teenagers Here] that looks like it's from [Insert Cheesy Store Targeted to Teenagers Here]

HIGH- I have a new dress.

LOW- The rain.

To any of those outside of LA you might not understand this, it doesn't really rain in LA... EVER. So when it does people get really confused and fear they might melt, which is probable here. rain is to LA as blizzards are to NY. Only difference is New Yorkers know how to drive in a blizzard.

High- Watching celebrities in the rain. So awkward. Where do I put this umbrella? What about the train of my dress?

But THANK GOD for the rain, or else Giuliana Rancic would've had to come up with some actual red carpet questions instead of asking, "Can you believe this friggin' weather?" as some poor actress waits in the rain to be interviewed. Classy G.

Okay I need to stop watching E! I think my brain is rotting.

WHY DOES LIKING CATS MAKE YOU "A CRAZY CAT PERSON"?

2009-12-27T22:33:00.000-08:00

I hate labels.

Yes I use them.

If you are a male wearing skinny jeans, drinking PBR and being pretentious about music, I might label you “a hipster”.

If you are leaving anonymous comments on my blog taking my jokes too seriously but not manning up to who you, I might label you “an asshole”.

If you are wearing two pairs of glasses at the same time, criticizing my fashion sense and speaking with a Brooklyn accent that you are in denial of, I might label you “my Mother.”

But the one label I don't understand is why does my liking of cats make me "a cat person"?

There's not a dog equivalent to a cat person. People who like dogs aren't labeled, "Dog People” they’re just called “people,” “normal” or “American”. I sense a tad of discrimination here.

I was raised with cats. My first pet was Mikki, she was a beautiful calico, we shared a love for muenster cheese, waking up early, and watching Sesame Street together. She died when I was four years old. It took my parents a month before they told me she was dead, they always sheltered me. After the bad news they took me out for Mexican food and I forgot all about it.

Three years later they bought me another calico Noel, born April 26th, called Petunia by her previous owner (why do I know this?!) Two years later we got Nellie. No, not named after the rapper, named after the lead character in South Pacific (I’m a theater nerd). Yes, they're names are too similar, but we can easily tell them a part. Nellie is fat. Almost like the cats on this website:

http://www.fatcatlover.blo gspot.com/

Nellie is so fat that we had to get her shaved, because she was too fat to lick clean her entire body and her hair was clumping up. She also likes to play the piano. One time the piano top slammed on her tail and she broke it. Another time she swallowed plastic and had to have surgery. In conclusion, Nellie is a dumb fat cat.

Sometimes I think my parents like my cats more than me. A few years ago they did one of those photo christmas cards. The picture of my cats was three the size of my picture. I know I moved out out for college, but seriously Mom and Dad?

Also I think my cats (who are both female) are lesbians. They spoon:

Any way, I prefer cats to dogs. I find them mysterious, intelligent (except for Nellie), and I like that you have to earn their affection. Dogs will slobber and dry hump anything that graces their presence. People confuse this preference with me hating dogs. I don't hate dogs. Just sometimes dogs intimidate me. I wasn’t raised around dogs, so often I'm not sure what to do with them. What do you do when a dog jumps all over you? Do you give it a high five? Pet it? Take it to brunch after? I just get confused.

The other thing I noticed about liking cats, is most straight guys like dogs. It's like a HUGE deal breaker to like cats. What's with that? I'm not a crazy cat person!

Okay, yes, I have six cats, yes, I love them like children, and yes, no man can compare to my love for cats.... but why does this make me crazy?

And that was joke. I have two cats, they live with my parents, sometimes I think they're cute, and I like men more than them.

Am I alone here? Any fellow “cat people” that are not crazy?

NINE & THE JERSEY SHORE ARE PRETTY MUCH THE SAME THING...

2009-12-10T20:04:00.000-08:00

In other words, the critically acclaimed film, Nine, (which I just saw) is a lot like controversial reality show, Jersey Shore.

You might think these two have nothing in common, but think again.

THEY BOTH HAVE GUIDOS

In Jersey Shore, they all call themselves “Guidos” or “Guidettes” (the female Guido). Which according to cast member DJ Pauly D, a guido is “being Italian. It's representing, family, friends, tanning, gel, everything. I have a tanning bed in my house, that's how serious I am about being a guido."

WOW. I love how tanning and hair gel is equated with family and friends.

In Nine the main character’s name is Guido, Guido Contini (very close to my last name). He is Italian, but doesn't go strutting around shirtless with a fake tan (he lives in Italy, the tan’s natural). He also doesn’t sport steroid induced muscles and a blowout, although he does have an affinity for hair gel and style (gelled back hair, skinny ties, and Raybans, it is the 60s after all).

THEY BOTH HAVE ITALIAN PRIDE

The Jersey Shore expresses this pride with a large Italian flag painted on the side of their house, as well as tattoos of the Italian flag all over their bodies, in case you missed the giant flag outside. The casting call for the show apparently asked for "loud and proud Italian Americans who are self proclaimed “Guidos” and “Guidettes”.

In Nine, Fergie sings a song called "Be Italian"

Be Italian, (Be Italian)/

You rapscallion! (You rapscallion)/

Live today as if it may become your last!/

We know those Jersey Shore boys live each day as it's their last. With all that UV radiation, steroids and punching girls in bars, their days must be limited...

THEY’RE BOTH PLAYERS

To quote Sammie Sweetheart on The Jersey Shore, "I'm not looking for Mr. Right, I am looking to break a lot of hearts and get with a lot of good hot sexy Guidos. My number one mission is to go out and find the hottest Guido and take him home."

Ambitious. Sweatheart is as ambitious about her lovemaking, as Contini is about his filmmaking. Yes, he’s a player too… but unlike Sammie he doesn’t have to try so hard. In Nine, Contini has lots of ladies. I think nine, hence the name of the movie, right? Okay I wasn’t really paying attention. I only listening to the singing part, much like how I watch Glee. Actually, just kidding, he only has a wife and mistress. My mother tells me this is common with Italian men or "Do-do-dos."

In conclusion, Nine and the Jersey Shore both have guidos.

I did have one qualm with Nine though.

Fergie was fine. Kate Hudson was great, although her flat body was a little distracting. Sofia Loren while orange, looked less old than she did at the Oscars last year, can you believe she’s in her 70s! And I was not as distracted by Nicole Kidman’s forehead Botox as I was during Australia.

But there was one MAJOR flaw with this movie.

In one scene they have a champagne toast. And it’s with a bottle of Moet. Clearly exposed, product placement perhaps? Also I thought this was a period piece, that bottle looked rather modern. I’m pretty sure I saw the same one at Trader Joes the other day….

Well I’m gonna go “Be Italian”. Whatever the hell that means.

SPOILER ALERT: EVERYBODY IS NOT FINE

2009-12-07T16:18:00.000-08:00

I saw Everybody's Fine the other day.

Partly because I was in the Grove and getting frustrated with the fact that people in LA do not know how to walk.

I needed to go somewhere where no one was walking.

So I waited in line to see Santa.

Finally I reached the front, but they wouldn't let me in because I wasn't accompanied by a small child. Is that ageism or what?

So I figured I'd be safer in a place where everyone sits and I wouldn’t be discriminated by my age... so I went to the movie theater.

I secretly have wanted to see Everybody’s Fine since the preview. It seemed like it had a good cast. Even though the title makes me question, "If everybody's fine, why do I need to see the movie?"

But then I got a little homesick. And my Dad looks just like De Niro, just ask him.

See the resemblance? TWINSIES!

The movie was okay. I had low expectations because Entertainment Weekly gave it a D.

My biggest issue with the movie was it’s deceiving title. It's called "Everybody's Fine"

So, I expect it to be able people who are fine. Maybe even fiiiiiine as in attractive. But no, it's about….SPOILER ALERT people who are NOT fine.

Here’s why:

1.) SUPERMARKETS THAT SELL EVERYTHING

The same person who sells De Niro a Barbeque also sells him a Christmas tree at the SAME SUPER MARKET --- Not fine, last time I went to Ralph's (that's like a Shaw’s for you east coasters) there was NO selling of $600 BBQS and or fully decorated Christmas trees

2.) HOT HOMELESS MEN- A homeless person is an attractive 20 something who kind of looks like Ashton Kutcher -- played by this guy:

Okay, maybe this one is fiiiiine, but definitely not fine as in everything is okay. When was the last time you saw an attractive homeless person? Even in Los Angles IT NEVER HAPPENS.

3.) NO CELL PHONE

De Niro doesn't own a cell phone just a 1970s answering machine on his landline. NOT FINE. Who in 2009 does not have a cell phone? If they were going to make sure a bold choice like that, they might have made some explaination of it. Something as simple as, "Gee Dad, when are you going to get a cell phone."

I should've known better. I've been deceived before. Like with the movie Milk.

I thought it was going to be about my second favorite beverage, but no. It had NOTHING to do with milk the dairy product. Got Milk? This movie didn't…unless if by Milk you meant Harvey Milk. Unlike the calcium filled drink, this movie did not do the body good, as my back cramped up for sitting down for so long.

For once I would like to see a movie where the title actually describes what the movie is actually about. Why can't they make more movies that are true to their title? Like "One Fine Day".

Which, FYI is also the name of a Korean TV Drama (THANKS GOOGLE)

But back to the movie. Guess what it's about?

One day, that was fine and that was it. Michelle Phifer and George Clooney meet, have a fine day together, then the day ends and so does the movie, with a kiss and the two of them cuddling on the couch.

But then I got to wondering, what happens on that next day. Is it still fine? Would he call her? Would she call him? Would he suddenly become "busy" or need "space" or suddenly find an upgrade in her best friend? We'll never know if Clooney and Phifer end up happily ever after. They just kissed once. How many times have you kissed some one and everything seemed perfect at the time only to discover he was a compulsive liar, or a cheater, or just plain crazy. Doesn’t sound like a happy ending to me.

Well to be fair it’s not real life. It’s just a movie.

Also the little boy in the movie who was so adorable:

Now looks like this:

WHAT'S A CAKE WALK?

2009-12-03T00:00:00.000-08:00

"Cake Walk"

I heard that expression for the first time today. What a bizarre phrase. What exactly is a cake walk? Is it Lindsey Lohan getting cupcakes? I sure hope not. Because we all know that must be a rare occurrence.

Our dictionary defines it as:

cake·walk (kkwôk)

Something easily accomplished: Winning the race was a cakewalk for her.

intr.v., -walked, -walk·ing, -walks.

A cake walk doesn't seem like something easy. When I hear the phrase, I picture a bunch of people, possibly with large funny hats walking around with ten layer wedding cakes. Or worst something like this:

Walking around with that cake can not be easy at all.

If it was something easily accomplished, wouldn't it be called a "cake run"? A run fast. A walk takes time, and things that take time are never really easy.

And if a cake walk is so easy, then what's a walk in the park?

If your park is Central Park or the Boston Commons after midnight, then that walk is not easy at all. You know how many people have gotten murdered or mugged walking through these parks? My mom reminds me every day. Like this lady:

She's getting attacked by a dog. This is why I'm a cat person. There I said it. Cats would never attack you in the park.

And even during the day, a walk in the park isn't easy. You could get stopped by homeless people, or be unable to move because of the sea of tourists taking pictures of everything. Or if it happens to be frosty out, and per chance you are wearing cowboy boots and running 20 minutes late to your speech class, and haven't had your latte yet, you might slip and fall and cry.

Let's replace "cake walk" and a "walk in the park" with things that actually are easy to do, like "getting a sorority drunk" or a "morning walk through Trader Joe's," the store is empty, there are free samples, everyone is nice and helpful and sometimes they play soothing oldies music. EASY.

Speaking of cake, what about pie. Why is it so easy? "Easy as pie!" The last time I made pie I almost lost a finger and burned my arm off.... and that was using a store bought crust! It looked kinda like this:

There is nothing easy about making pie. Unless they are taking about eating pie. That sounds easier. But in order to eat pie you have to either make it or live with your grandmother. I feel like grandmas make pie. Unless this is your Grandma:

Then she just eats a lot of pie.

Let's change that phrase to "easy as opening up a bag of chips", or "peeling a banana", or "making a PB&J sandwich". These are EASY things. Pie is not.

And don't even say "easy peasy" What is "peasy"? That's not a thing. I know it's not a thing because even Blogger is underlining it in red. And the spell check on here sucks (see earlier blogs). And peasy's not even a word! SOMEONE just made it up so they could have something to rhyme with easy. Actually, they didn't even put any effort into thinking of a new word they just put a "p" before "easy." Yeah, real original.

Let's try to make this work:

Instead of "A Cake Walk" or a "Walk Through The Park" --- let's say "Getting a Sorority Drunk" or "A Morning Walk Through Trader Joe's"

Instead of "Easy As Pie" or *shiver* "Easy Peasy" --- let's say "Easy as Peeling a Banana"

Or... any other suggestions?

SO, I'VE BEEN SPOONING WITH JOHN MAYER

2009-12-01T00:50:00.000-08:00

And by "spooning with John Mayer" I mean curling up next to my laptop as it plays his latest album, "Battle Studies."

Mom, please stop worrying about the radiation.

And I know in my last blog I said I would compare John Mayer to Kris Allen, as Entertainment Weekly did. But after much thought I realized this would involve me actually listening to Kris Allen's new album, and that just seemed too tedious.

He spells his name with "K" I think that's as exciting as it's going to get. Seriously which album would you rather listen to?

vs.

My first impression on this juxtaposition: how can we even compare the two?

One is an accomplished artist and one of the best guitar players of our time, while the other won American Idol.

What is he looking up at? God? Because it's definitely not Seacrest...

So, you can understand my confusion when I discovered Entertainment Weekly gave both John Mayer's and Kris Allen's new album the exact same rating: "B-".

"B-," that's the worst. I wound't eat at a resturant with that rating. JK I've eaten at Fred 62. Mmm milkshakes. B minus is almost a "C", definitely not an "A", it's almost like it's saying, "B-" better.

Why are they giving John Mayer's new album the same rating as Allen's which they claim "Lack[s] originality" and that Allen "stiffs around a musical identity but never quite curls up in one" and "gets stylistically lost."

Whereas Mayer seems to have it all down in what EW refers to as "Mayernomics" (I’d read that book), which is: "an expertly calibrated study of soft-pedal confessions searching lyricism, and mildly groovy guitar licks."

How EW can give someone with no "musical identity" and an "expert" the same rating baffles me.

Okay, maybe I'm just being bitter. Like that one time when I got a B- on my research paper on the Controversy of Citizen Kane, which I slaved over, and my slacker friend got an A on her half baked paper she wrote the night before on Adderall about why she likes puppies.

Okay, yeah puppies are cute. But Citizen Kane says "It's terrific" on the poster, so you know it was gipped of sweeping the Oscars.

Back to Battle Studies.

I'll admit it, Mayer's Battle Studies is no Abbey Road. I also didn't love it at first. It felt like he was selling out with this soft rock crap. Any thing remotely resembling a guitar solo sounded hushed. On certain tracks I felt like I was listening to Seal.

And don't get me started on his Taylor Swift collaboration. Can you really call it a “duet” and Swift is whispering in the background?

Also, the first track. “Heartbreak Warfare,” distracts me because it sounds a lot like that song “8^th World Wonder,”…. Especially around the chorus part.

Here’s Heartbreak Warfare:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pukH72Z8Xe0

And here’s “8th World Wonder.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWRkbPX1to4

(ignore the anime)

Do you hear it?

But then I let the lyrics and melodies seep in. That's where I think the true talent of this album lies. Some of those melodies are just beautiful. And as a whole it's a great album, with a thematic sound and a clear mood. It's also an album you can sleep to, do work too, and play over and over again without getting bored.

Some of my favorite lyrics:

"I was born in the arms of imaginary friends"

Makes me feel popular because as a kid I had no friends. Except for my cats, who were really more like "sisters".

(That's another story).

"You whisper come on over cause you're two drinks in."

It happens.

"I don't remember you looking any better. But then again I don't remember you."

That lyric always makes me laugh.

And "Perfectly Lonely."

Yep, that’s me.

What's your take on the new Mayer?

I think it's missing his cover of California Dreaming, which seriously rocks. I would have prefered to to "Crossroads". You know the one he did on Conan with that boy’s choir, who were a little flat. I wish I were in that choir...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNl-HpjnoOo

Hopefully it will be on the next John Mayer Trio album (fingers crossed).

Okay enough with Mayer obsession. I think my blogs about him make me candidate for a restraining order.

But my mother encourages it!

She sent me this in an e-mail the other day:

Gabi...

The similarity between Gabi & John Mayer:

1. You are both from Connecticut

2. You both have hazel eyes

3. You both do stand up comedy

4. Campari... John drinks Campari... you wrote a recipe drink for Campari (I have it taped up on the kitchen cabinet)for me and Dad. We are a Campari household! How many people do you know drink Campari (your mom & dad drink Camapri)so it's related to you!

Sooo the next time you are at the Chateau Marmount sitting at the Courtyard Restaurant and John Mayer is across the room send him over a Campari & soda with lots of lime!

Love ya baby, MomXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

She lost me on the whole Campari comparison. Could we be more general? So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to camp out at Chateau Marmont with a sign reading “I have hazel eyes, I’m from Connecticut and I do stand-up” while holding a campari with extra lime and we’ll see what happens. Thanks MOM!

THIS IS MY CONFESSION

2009-12-01T00:30:00.000-08:00

Confession: Entertainment Weekly is my weekly bible. Adam Lambert, not so much. I read it cover to cover, laugh out loud from the Hit List to the Bulls-eye and feel smart reading either Steven Kings or Diablo Cody's column.

But I also must admit that my guilty pleasure has also been my buzz kill.

Do you know how many movies I was told not to go to, or albums I couldn't buy, because they had less than a C+ review in Entertainment Weekly and my father deemed them unworthy?

I'll never forget back in my jock phase, and by jock phase I mean I wore shirts like this:

paired with Adidas shorts and soccer sneakers, when the closest I ever got to soccer was ridding in a mini van...once.

Back when I was a jock, I remember the movie I was super excited to see was "Space Jam" because I thought Michael Jordan was cool and I had this weird crush on Bugs Bunny.

Also, I totally had the soundtrack. Not only did it introduce me to R&B, but it was also my only non-show-tunes album in my book of CDs. Sandwiched between "Rent" and "South Pacific. "

I had it all planned out. I was going to be the "cool" (here is where cool is appropriate, because it's in a sarcastic tone and or referring to something that happened in the 90s) girl because I was going to take 12 of my closest (and only) friends to see "Space Jam" for my 10th birthday, even though my birthday was a month away. Ah, how sweet it is to have a shafted summer birthday. And right before I was ready to go, holding on to my Bugs Bunny Space Jam addition doll, which came with my double cheeseburgers, fries and coke from McDonalds, my father broke the news:

"Entertainment Weekly gave "Space Jam" a D+"

GASP!

I froze. How could a movie I was so excited to see get ripped apart by my bible? Who was I to believe, Looney Tunes and the sounds of R. Kelly or my father? I was so torn.

After much debate, I saw the movie.

Looking back, Entertainment Weekly was right. It sucked. Just like R. Kelly sucks [insert joke].

Why am I an Entertainment Weekly Weakling? Am I alone?

Current EW debate: The mag gave both John Mayer's (aka genius) and Chris Allen's (aka who?) new albums, both a B-. Now that not a Space Jam D+, but still, can we really equate these two? Last I checked, one is an artist and the other a puppet of American Idol.

Stay tuned... and in depth comparison of both albums to follow.

LEAVE IT IN THE 00's

2009-11-29T23:59:00.000-08:00

A decade of faux pas, tacky trends, and overused words is almost over. Inspired by @johncmayer, I have cooked up a list of words, phrases, trends, social customs etc. that I hope dies out by the end of the decade. In fact I am so hopeful that they will die out, that I have also proposed a solution to every problem.

Warning... I am idealistic. And yes, this may come off bitchy and insensitive, don’t take it personally, I’m just venting.

LEAVE IT IN THE 00'S

1.) ABERCROMBIE FIERCE COLOGNE

PROBLEM: it's bad enough they blast that scent though every shopping mall in America, worst when you date someone who wears it and can't go shopping without thinking about them. It really just needs to stop because in retrospect those "pheromones" smell more like developing "hormones" as a whiff of that stench takes me back to rejection I faced at middle school dances due to my braces, large size, obsession with show tunes, and questionable fashion sense.

SOLUTION: Abercrombie should replace the scent with the aroma of freshly baked cookies…

2.) TANNING

PROBLEM: It's just not fair that SOME of us who don't care about cancer and smelling like dead skin can go prancing around glowing 24/7, while the rest of us responsible people are labeled "pale" by the tanorexics of America.

SOLUTION: Make pale the new tan.

3.) BORAT IMPRESSIONS

PROBLEM: Enough already. We get it, you've seen the movie enough times that you can somehow muster up an impression that sounds half descent when you have a few Bud Lights in you. But seriously, how many times can you make "Sexy Time" and "Great success" work in daily conversation?

SOLUTION: Try Bruno impressio

ns instead, or be a step ahead, and test out Ali G.

4.) PEREZ HILTON

PROBLEM: Why is he still relevant? He was cool when he was working out of Coffee Bean and giving us the real insider’s scoop, now he just whored himself out. With his Lady Gaga obsession and need to out any male celebrity he finds remotely attractive... seriously I'm over it. We get it Perez, you like attention. Next time please give us something more worthy to look at.

SOLUTION: Instead of going to Perezhilton.com, read a book.

5.) “HOOKING UP”

PROBLEM: What does that mean? Getting together? Grabbing coffee? Getting a drink? Making out? Banging? My mother is VERY confused. I don't want to hear that some one “hooked up” last night unless they literally took a fishing rod with them to a bar, cast it across the room until it landed into the mouth of their sexual prey. That's what I call hooking up. Now where to get a fishing rod....

SOLUTION: Be more literal next time you kiss and tell…

6.) TEXT MESSAGE CONVERSATIONS

PROBLEM: unless you are somewhere where you cannot pick up the phone and have a conversation (i.e. work, church, a funeral etc.), then please don't have a text message conversation. This includes making plans via text message, catching up over text message, or my favorite, breaking up over text messaging.

SOLUTION: Pick up your phone.

7.) UGGS: PERFECT FOR ANY OCCASION

PROBLEM: Uggs are ugly. But they are super warm and incredibly comfortable. So yes, they're perfect for one occasion. When you are stomping through mounds of snow in Boston. But if you're in LA, and it's a perfect crisp bright and sunny 70-degree day, this means it is NOT the perfect occasion to pair your Ugg boots with your mini skirt and call it "fashion". There is never a time where it is cold enough to wear sheepskin boots but hot enough to wear a mini skirt that shows your whale tail. And don't even get me started on Man Uggs.. or Muggs if you must.

SOLUTION: Don’t wear Uggs unless it’s cold out

8.) VAMPIRES

PROBLEM: If I see another magazine cover with those Twilight Twats I am going to cry. We get it vampires are sexy. But why is everything about Vampires these days? Can we move on to another creature of the night?

SOLUTION: Let's make Mummies sexy, or ghosts, or anything that doesn't involve fangs.

9.) "COOL"

PROBLEM: Unless you are referring to the temperature of an air conditioned room or a crisp fall day, I am so tired of hearing this phrase.

SOLUTION: I propose we start bringing retro synonyms of "cool" back. Try these on for size: "swell", "groovy," "fetch," "rad," "attaboy," "spiffy" etc....

10.) BLUETOOTHS: YOUR BEST ACCESSORY

PROBLEM: I love these people that sport their Bluetooths during cardio kickboxing class at the gym. Are you really that important? And in the rare occurrence that you actually get a call during you're high kick reps are you actually going to answer it in the middle of class? And why must you bedazzle your too big for your tiny ear Bluetooth, Sir? I'm pretty sure that size or style doesn't matter in this case... or does it?

SOLUTION: Only use your Bluetooth in your car.

What do you think we should leave in the 00s?

What An AAA-hole

2009-11-12T23:59:00.000-08:00

Ah, Post College Poverty.

Also known as being finanically independent.

I pay for everything on my own. Well, except my iPhone. But I swear my parents only pay that so they can still control me. Sorry, I mean call, e-mail and or poke me on Facebook at 403AM to express their "love." *cough* Mom *cough*.

So, I'm learning the hard way that with my newfound financial independence comes a budget.

"Budget" means separating your needs from your wants.

Like, I want to eat.

But I need a new pair of boots.

Like these:

The solution to get the boots and eat comes in packets of instant, but worldly food.

Like Trader Joe's Thai Noodles, at ninety-nine cents a piece.

I felt like Suzie homemaker the other night prepping a plastic bowl of this Thai Delight for the BF.

Who soon informed me this was Traders Joe's version of Ramen.

Great. I'm so poor, I'm eating Ramen.

Before the budget, I used to think a lot of things were free.

Like insurance.

I learned the hard way that AAA, unlike AA does not offer free juice and donuts. Why am I paying $200 a month for car insurance and getting nothing in return?

Yeah, I know it's so I'm covered in the unlikely event that I get into an accident.

And then if I get into an accident the insurance "covers" it. But they don't really cover it. They just use the pool of money I've been paying them every month. And then they start charging me more money.

I don't like spending money on things unless I immediately get something tangible in return. This is why I don't see the point of insurance. I can't hold insurance, nor can I wear it with skinny jeans, nor is it by any means made for walking. In conclusion, I would like to spend my car insurance money on boots.

Nike Pumps For Your Boobs

2009-11-09T21:36:00.000-08:00

Yes, this is a thing.

It's like Austin Power's Swedish made penis enlarger, but for boobies.

The boy sent this video to me at work:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtIcedRcIk0&feature=player_embedded

Do you think he's making a subtle suggestion?

He prefaced it with "They're like a Nike Pumps, but for your boobs."

You see, in order to understand "girly parts" men need to relate it to sports. Why else do you think guys use baseball to talk about sex?

After spending a good five minutes studying this Japanese commercial, while hoping no one walked by my desk at work thinking I was watching Asian porn; I was perplexed.

First of all they call this boob pump "God's Hands". I think there is a lot of other places God's hand could be. Such as working with a scientist to help find a cure for AIDS, cancer or end global warming. The last place I would expect God’s hands to be is feeling up an Asian's A-cups. So basically according to this product, God is a pervert?

I say Asian because this is a Japanese product. I've heard the stereotype of all Asian women having an androgynous flat-chested body. Is this true? Is the commercial being racist or does it just know its audience?

Clearly this would never sell in the states. Us American women are too fat to ever need a product like this. How about a boob deflator for us lopsided ladies? We can call it "God's Hands Let Go".

Also I don't love the design of this "bra". It's obvious lace trim covers half of your boob. There's no way to hide this bra under a low cut shirt. You might as well wear this bra with a sign that says, "I pumped these up."

Also the company is called "She's Mine." Really? It's that what lingerie is for? To "mark your territory?"

So if this was a subtle hint, I'm going to have to decline. But I admit. It would be fun to play with "God's Hands" for a hot second.

Size B

*pump*

Size D

*deflate*

Size B

*pump*

Size D

So where do you get one Japanese made boob enlarger? Yeah baby, Yeah!

Coming Summer Two Thousand and Never

2009-09-24T23:59:00.000-07:00

"So where do you go out?"

That's probably my least favorite question of all time.

How do you respond to that?

"Does drinking beer by myself as I watch Gossip Girl count as going out? Sometimes they go out to hotspots in New York, so technically I'm going with them?"

Or: "How about picking up enough sushi take-out to feed a family of four but it's all for me? I interact with the host, who barely speaks English that has to count for something.... right?

Or am I supposed to say something like this:

"On Mondays I go to Bar, on Tuesdays it's all about Dance, Wednesdays aka Humpday I go to Grind, Thursdays is all about Thirsty, Fridays I go to The Bar, not to be confused with Bar which is a total dive compared to The Bar, do you follow? Saturdays it's Bedroom and Sundays it's Castle."

Clearly I don't say the later, and no, those are not real places, at least to my knowledge. But I kid you not; I overheard a real person saying something like this at a club. You know, one of those places where the Grey Goose flows, booty shows and beats and flashing lights can give you seizures…. especially if those beats are the sound of Sean Paul. This person was either very rich or very unemployed.

You might be wondering... how can you tell if a club is "hotspot" or not?

Well, here's how you can find out:

1.) Is it's name one word, or better yet, one syllable?

2.) Is it packed?

3.) Did you have to wait out side on line for longer than ten minutes?

4.) Does the DJ play bad, almost irritating music?

5.) Is it filled with D-bags and or self-proclaimed gods?

6.) Do you spot a lot of fake hair, tans, eyelashes, boobs, teeth, etc?

7.) Are there D-list celebrities there?

8.) Are the drinks over priced?

9.) Does it have a subtle but consistent theme?

10.) Do you spot a lot of wardrobe malfunctions?

If you answered, "yes" to at least five of these questions, congratulations you have stumbled into a “club”. Persuade someone to buy you an overpriced drink, but be sure to leave before he asks for your number...

But don't worry America, you are in luck, because in my spare time I like to invent night clubs.

Here’s what I’ve got so far:

1.) THE POST OFFICE- All the drinks would be packaged up with stamps and string and would be served to you through mail shoots. We'd hire a mildly good actor to "go postal" every few hours, just to keep things interesting. And every song played would have to mention something mail related, like anything by The Postal Service or songs like “Mr. Postman"… actually I’m not sure how many others songs exist about mail…so there might be a lot of repeats… what like you haven’t heard that before at a club? And all the male staff would wear shirts that say “The Post Office” on the front and "I've got a package for you" on the back. Okay so maybe this would be a gay bar.....

2.) SUBWAY --- this would be funny because people would get confused all the time. You'd tell them to meet you at subway and they would be waiting for you at the place where they serve five-dollar foot longs or on an actual subway platform. This would be a great way to stand someone up, because let’s face it, do you really want to waste your time dating some one who doesn’t know which Subway you’re referring to? It’s like get a map! Am I right? The outside of the spot would look like a New York subway, we'd even hire a bum to stand in the front and ask you for change, clean your windshield wipers, or just insult you. He could also double as the bouncer. Inside would all be underground; all the drinks would be served in those New York Style blue and white Greek Coffee cups. And everything would be crazy cheap. But we could afford to do that because the sanitation is questionable. Also ever ten minutes it would sound like a train was passing through.

3.) THE DENTIST - It would look just like a dentists office. Soft rock would play, and outdated US Weekly’s would be everywhere. All the drinks would be mint, cherry or bubble gum flavored. Okay not all the drinks that would be gross... but some drinks could be that. And you could get a "cleaning" where they would put you on a dentist’s chair and throw a shot down your throat, Coyote Ugly style. All the drinks would be named after dentist procedures or terms like "tooth ache" "root canal" "the drill" "cavity" "plaque" "tarter" "crown" etc. And when you left you could have your choice of a sticker or small plastic toy.

These three clubs are coming to a major city near you, summer of two thousand and never.

Thoughts?

I WANT TO DATE A VAMPIRE

2009-09-10T23:58:00.000-07:00

"Love Sucks"

Says the billboard for Vampire Diaries. You know that new TV show that's cast looks like carbon copies of those Twilight twats?

Speaking of billboards, where is my "OMFG" Gossip Girl Billboard? Enough of this Melrose Place "Ménage-Tues" and "Tuesday is the new Hump day," I want me some Gossip Girl puns. Someone is slacking over there in publicity. I just got word that the new season starts next Monday, and I haven't seen ONE advertisement.

But perhaps this could be credited to the absence of Entertainment Weekly in my mailbox. I think it's time I give it up and stop playing hard to get to EW's "GABI, we want you back" Plea-mails.

Back to the Vampires. I think I just figured out why my love life sucks: Because I'm not dating a vampire.

Think about it. A vampire would make the perfect boyfriend.

Here's why:

Vampire's never eat: can you say "perfect dinner date?" You know he can't Bogart that delicious chocolate molten cake with vanilla ice cream you ordered for desert.
Vampires are my type: Tall, handsome, great bone structure (what ever the hell that means) and a little sickly looking... yum-my. Also I tend to date guys with very pointy verniers.. or maybe they're really vampires?
Vampires sparkle: I like sparkly things. In the sun, vampires sparkle. Who need diamonds if your boy sparkles like one?
Vampires watch you sleep: Some might find this creepy, but I think it's adorable. Also it shows that he's trust-worthy. If he's watching you sleep, then you know he's not sleeping with someone else.

So it looks like I need to snag me a vampire. Where can I find one? V-Harmony? And how do I make my V-Harmony profile attractive to the Edward Cullen type?

WHAT THOSE DATING BOOKS DON'T TELL YOU

2009-09-09T23:59:00.001-07:00

Let's be honest. We've all dated that asshole. That's if you consider him buying you shots of Tequila at a bar a "date".

Moving to a new city, I'm always excited to meet new gal pals. We almost always seem to instantly bond when exchanging stories about our love life, or in my case the lack there of.

I feel like I hear the same story over and over. It's either "he broke my heart", or "he won't stop stalking me”.

Oh, and in girl talk, everything relates to a Sex & The City episode.

"Oh he's cheating on you? Don't worry this is totally like that episode of Sex & The City where Big cheated on Carrie and made her cry, but then they finally got married in the movie. So, basically he's cheating on you because he wants to marry you!"

Oh yeah, that makes a lot of sense, Love Doctor.

Then there are the dating books. I have a friend who picks up a new self-help dating book every time her romance gets rocky. The other day, she confessed to me that she ran out of books. I told her maybe it's not the books. It’s the guy.

So why do we think generic dating for dummies books and episodes of Sex & The City hold the answer to our dating drama?

Well, I decided to come up with some easy to read self-help dating books. On the outside: a bright sparkly cover, and inside: a simples sentence of the best advice I could give you for each dating scenario. Some comes from my own from failures, others from my imagination.

For example:

1.) "So, you're dating a Aires."

If you don't make him your number one priority, he'll find someone who does

2.) "So, You're Dating A Metro-sexual"

If he's prettier than you, he'll find a girl or guy more in his league, no matter how smart or "funny" you think you are.

3.) "So, You're Dating a Hipster"

Stop trying. There's no way you heard about it before he did. No matter what “it” is.

4.) "So, You're Dating a Guy with A 'Brain Tumor'"

He's cheating on you.

5.) "So, He Doesn't Speak English"

Do you speak his language? If not stop wasting your time.

6.) "So, You're Dating A First Semester Well Dressed Male Freshman at Emerson College"

Gay by May.

7.) "So, He Has a Wife"

You're an idiot.

8.) "So, You're Dating a Tween"

Stop. That doesn't make you trendy or a cougar.

9.) "So, He Went to Comic Con and You Still Haven't Heard From Him And It's Been Two Months And You're Wondering What Happened"

He's over you.

10.) "So, He's Not Responding To Any Of Your Phone Calls, E-mails, Tweets, Or Texts, But You Know His Phone Works Because He Changed His Twitter Picture To A Shot of Him Looking at His iPhone"

Yes, he's ignoring you, move on.

Any other suggestions?

MY GLASSES MAKE ME LOOK SMART

2009-09-08T23:59:00.000-07:00

On an interview I was asked if I read books. I broke into a cold sweat.

"Of course! Who doesn't read books?"

I laughed awkwardly.

"Right. So what books do you read?"

The last books I read flashed through my head:

"He's Just Not That Into You"

Yeah, Gabi that sounds sane.

"Think Like A Guy"

Again, stop it with the self-help dating for dummies books.

"Are You There Vodka, It's Me Chelsea"

If they laughed at you when you asked for it at Saint Marks Bookshop: An Independent Book Store, they're sure as hell are going to laugh at you now.

“All The Gossip Girl books”

What are you a tween? Grow up.

See here's the thing. I do read. Just online, I blame the Internet.

Sometimes I'll go into a Barnes & Nobles just to browse the jackets of books, so I can feel “well read”. Just being inside that store makes me feel smart. The classical music, the shelves upon shelves of books on topics I've never heard of, the aroma of espresso, and most importantly, lots of people wearing glasses.

Ah glasses, the universal sign of intelligence. I always wanted glasses, but every time I got my eyes checked my vision was 20/20. Perfect eyesight. I would leave the doctor's office heart broken.

Then I went to Emerson College, where I realized that not only did I want glasses, I needed them. My popped collars, schoolgirl skirts and Pocahontas boots made me stick out like a soar thumb amongst the sea of Punks, Emos and Hipsters. I needed to wear something that people would take me seriously in.

So, I started wearing glasses without lenses. It worked like a charm until I was a camp counsler and one of my nine year old campers asked me:

"Gabi, why do you wear glasses without lenses?"

Oh, kids! You can always count on them to point out your flaws.

So I did what any hipster would do. I went to Urban Outfitters and got glasses with lenses and no prescription.

But apparently fake glasses make you need real glasses. Junior year of college I was having trouble reading the board in classes and the teleprompter on air. I got my eyes checked and finally my dreams came true. I was vision impaired. I got a prescription, which I held with pride like a golden ticket to Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory. I got my trendy pair of glasses and at last, people were starting to take me seriously.

Like the other day, I was drawing on the sidewalk with chalk. To promote the boutique's sale, of course. I was wearing in a pencil skirt, lots of layers and of course my Tina Fey/ Sarah Palin glasses. Suddenly, this lady stopped above me.

"Your glasses are just beautiful"

"Psh, it's not the glasses, it's just me"

Nope, didn't say that. I have been living in LA for two months but my head is not that big. Yet. Instead I told her what any normal glasses wearing person would say:

"Thanks! I need these because I can't see distance!"

She looked at me like I had two heads.

But you know what? This whole not being able to see distance thing is a real handicap. Perhaps this is why I am such a bad driver?

I have a hard time seeing people walk towards me on the street. Like the other day, I parked my car and headed to work. Then a mini cooper pulled up next to me and the driver, a girl with over sized sunglasses yelled at me:

"Hey! Wanna ride?"

I froze. Who the hell was this person? Do I really look like a hitchhiker? Mother always said never take rides from strangers, this is how you get kidnapped.

"No.. thanks.. I'm good.

The girl's jaw dropped.

"Wait, what?! Are you for real? Gabi, it's me. Lindsey"

Shit. That's my boss.

Luckily she has a sense of humor and laughed at it with me. But it was embarrassing at the time.

And sometimes my glasses give off the wrong impression.

Election Day 2008: I was walking down Boylston Street with my navy skirt suit, hair in a mullet (poof/business on the top, curls/party in the back), and my glasses. I was feeling like a real classy broad until someone shouted:

"Hey! Look! It's Sarah Palin!"

And that's the last time I dress like that. Ever.

Hold on someone is calling my name from far away. I can't see them. I need to get my glasses.

WHAT'S SO HAPPY ABOUT LABOR DAY?

2009-09-07T22:28:00.000-07:00

Essentially we're celebrating the official end of summer.

Why are we celebrating this? The end of summer means back to school, back to work, and no more white apparel. The last depresses me the most. Who came up with the "no white after Labor Day rule”? I'm guessing it was a New Yorker. Do you know how hard it is to sell white skinny jeans in September, even when they're on sale for only $48 from an original $175? It also saddens me that it’s no longer appropriate for me to sport my light denim jean jumper. This rule needs a little more explanation. No white what? Shoes? Dresses? Jeans? Hot pants? Spandex? Is off white okay? How about cream? What about winter white? And how does this rule pertain to LA?

Another issue I have with Labor Day is this whole important things being closed. What an inconvenience. To quote my friend Dara's clever tweet earlier today, "It's called LABOR day, not Do Nothing Day."

Okay, I get it people need a day off. But at least keep the important businesses open ... like nail salons.

I start a new job tomorrow, and for the past few days my mom has been bugging me, "Gabriella make sure you get your nails done before your job." To her this is the most important thing I could do before my job. So I did it, partially to make my mom happy, and also because my hangnails were starting to hurt and the dirt under my nails were becoming offensive.

After having a very difficult time parking, what else is new, I rushed up to my salon only to discover…….it's closed. I almost cried. Then I called eight different salons near my apartment, thank you iPhone. Only to discover all were closed too. Finally I found another salon, only to discover there was an hour wait. Seriously?! You have less of a wait for a Sunday brunch than that. I was starting to feel rejected.

This felt a lot like Saturday night when I drove through four drive-throughs on the hunt for a shake, only to discover that two Carl Jr’s, A Jack In The Box and a McDonald's shake machines were all "broken". I tried to fight it, but it didn't work. So, I went home and made a half-baked Quesadilla on whole wheat tortilla. It definitely did NOT hit the spot. I was not going to let these closed nail salons turn my nails into a half-baked quesadilla, which is what my nails would look like if I did them myself.

After walking up and down Main Street for a solid twenty minutes in the hot sun, I finally found an open salon. Thanks a lot Labor Day.

Perhaps this Labor Day resentment comes from the realization that this is my first Labor Day in 18 years that doesn't mark the start of school. This is the first year I haven't gone back to school shopping or had mandatory summer reading to finish, which I of course left to the last minute. But what saddens me the most is this is the first time I haven't gone back to school supply shopping. I love office supplies. I go gaga for a vast variety of brightly colored post-its in different sizes and shades of neon. And don't even get me started on pens, pencils and highlighters, oh my!

Do you know what's on my shopping list at the moment?

"Swiffer wipes"

How depressing is that? I am officially an adult. And worst, I'm my mother. Because I swifter my floor 2-3 times a day, even though nobody sees it but me.

So I guess this is the "real world".

THE RAINBOW COLLECTION

2009-09-05T23:59:00.000-07:00

Okay I'm obsessed with making theme playlists.

I make one for every season, mood etc. I am a huge nerd.

The other day during savasina (the rest after a yoga class) the teacher played Alexi Murdouh's Orange Sky, which made me think of Nick Drakes Pink Moon, which made me think I should make a rainbow playlist.

Here's the deal: Make a playlist that's titles of the songs are color coordinated in rainbow order (red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple). Indigo doesn't count. It's not really a color.

Here's Mine:

"Red House"- Jimi Hendrix

"Orange Sky" - Alexi Murdoch

"Mellow Yellow" - Donovan

"Another Kind of Green" - John Mayer Trio

"Blue" - Joni Mitchell

"Purple Haze"- Jimi Hendrix

I think the Hendrix bookends works nicely.

What's your rainbow playlist?