WHY DOES LIKING CATS MAKE YOU "A CRAZY CAT PERSON"?

I hate labels.

 

Yes I use them.

 

If you are a male wearing skinny jeans, drinking PBR and being pretentious about music, I might label you “a hipster”.

 

If you are leaving anonymous comments on my blog taking my jokes too seriously but not manning up to who you, I might label you “an asshole”.

 

If you are wearing two pairs of glasses at the same time, criticizing my fashion sense and speaking with a Brooklyn accent that you are in denial of, I might label you “my Mother.”

 

But the one label I don't understand is why does my liking of cats make me  "a cat person"?  

 

There's not a dog equivalent to a cat person.  People who like dogs aren't labeled, "Dog People” they’re just called “people,” “normal” or “American”.  I sense a tad of discrimination here.  

 

I was raised with cats.  My first pet was Mikki, she was a beautiful calico, we shared a love for muenster cheese, waking up early, and watching Sesame Street together.  She died when I was four years old.  It took my parents a month before they told me she was dead, they always sheltered me. After the bad news they took me out for Mexican food and I forgot all about it.  

Three years later they bought me another calico Noel, born April 26th, called Petunia by her previous owner (why do I know this?!)  Two years later we got Nellie. No, not named after the rapper, named after the lead character in South Pacific (I’m a theater nerd).  Yes, they're names are too similar, but we can easily tell them a part.  Nellie is fat.  Almost like the cats on this website:

 

http://www.fatcatlover.blogspot.com/

 

Nellie is so fat that we had to get her shaved, because she was too fat to lick clean her entire body and her hair was clumping up.  She also likes to play the piano. One time the piano top slammed on her tail and she broke it.  Another time she swallowed plastic and had to have surgery.  In conclusion, Nellie is a dumb fat cat. 

Sometimes I think my parents like my cats more than me.  A few years ago they did one of those photo christmas cards.  The picture of my cats was three the size of my picture.  I know I moved out out for college, but seriously Mom and Dad?

 

Also I think my cats (who are both female) are lesbians.  They spoon:

 

Any way, I prefer cats to dogs.  I find them mysterious, intelligent (except for Nellie), and I like that you have to earn their affection.  Dogs will slobber and dry hump anything that graces their presence.  People confuse this preference with me hating dogs.  I don't hate dogs.  Just sometimes dogs intimidate me.  I wasn’t raised around dogs, so often I'm not sure what to do with them.  What do you do when a dog jumps all over you?  Do you give it a high five?  Pet it?  Take it to brunch after?  I just get confused.

 

The other thing I noticed about liking cats, is most straight guys like dogs.  It's like a HUGE deal breaker to like cats. What's with that?  I'm not a crazy cat person! 

 

Okay, yes, I have six cats, yes, I love them like children, and yes, no man can compare to my love for cats.... but why does this make me crazy?

 

And that was joke.  I have two cats, they live with my parents, sometimes I think they're cute, and I like men more than them.

 

Am I alone here?  Any fellow “cat people” that are not crazy?

NINE & THE JERSEY SHORE ARE PRETTY MUCH THE SAME THING...

In other words, the critically acclaimed film, Nine, (which I just saw) is a lot like controversial reality show, Jersey Shore.

 

You might think these two have nothing in common, but think again.

 

THEY BOTH HAVE GUIDOS

 

In Jersey Shore, they all call themselves “Guidos” or “Guidettes”  (the female Guido).  Which according to cast member DJ Pauly D, a guido is “being Italian.  It's representing, family, friends, tanning, gel, everything.  I have a tanning bed in my house, that's how serious I am about being a guido."

 

WOW.  I love how tanning and hair gel is equated with family and friends.

 

In Nine the main character’s name is Guido, Guido Contini (very close to my last name).  He is Italian, but doesn't go strutting around shirtless with a fake tan (he lives in Italy, the tan’s natural).  He also doesn’t sport steroid induced muscles and a blowout, although he does have an affinity for hair gel and style (gelled back hair, skinny ties, and Raybans, it is the 60s after all).

 

THEY BOTH HAVE ITALIAN PRIDE

The Jersey Shore expresses this pride with a large Italian flag painted on the side of their house, as well as tattoos of the Italian flag all over their bodies, in case you missed the giant flag outside.  The casting call for the show apparently asked for "loud and proud Italian Americans who are self proclaimed “Guidos” and “Guidettes”.

 

In Nine, Fergie sings a song called "Be Italian"

 

Be Italian, (Be Italian)/

You rapscallion! (You rapscallion)/

Live today as if it may become your last!/

 

We know those Jersey Shore boys live each day as it's their last. With all that UV radiation, steroids and punching girls in bars, their days must be limited...

 

 

THEY’RE BOTH PLAYERS

To quote Sammie Sweetheart on The Jersey Shore, "I'm not looking for Mr. Right, I am looking to break a lot of hearts and get with a lot of good hot sexy Guidos.  My number one mission is to go out and find the hottest Guido and take him home."

 

Ambitious.  Sweatheart is as ambitious about her lovemaking, as Contini is about his filmmaking. Yes, he’s a player too… but unlike Sammie he doesn’t have to try so hard.  In Nine, Contini has lots of ladies.  I think nine, hence the name of the movie, right?  Okay I wasn’t really paying attention.  I only listening to the singing part, much like how I watch Glee.  Actually, just kidding, he only has a wife and mistress.  My mother tells me this is common with Italian men or "Do-do-dos."  

 

In conclusion, Nine and the Jersey Shore both have guidos.

 

I did have one qualm with Nine though.

 

Fergie was fine.  Kate Hudson was great, although her flat body was a little distracting.  Sofia Loren while orange, looked less old than she did at the Oscars last year, can you believe she’s in her 70s!  And I was not as distracted by Nicole Kidman’s forehead Botox as I was during Australia. 

 

But there was one MAJOR flaw with this movie.

 

In one scene they have a champagne toast.  And it’s with a bottle of Moet.  Clearly exposed, product placement perhaps?  Also I thought this was a period piece, that bottle looked rather modern.  I’m pretty sure I saw the same one at Trader Joes the other day….

 

Well I’m gonna go “Be Italian”.  Whatever the hell that means. 

SPOILER ALERT: EVERYBODY IS NOT FINE

 I saw Everybody's Fine the other day.

 

Partly because I was in the Grove and getting frustrated with the fact that people in LA do not know how to walk.    

I needed to go somewhere where no one was walking.  

So I waited in line to see Santa. 

 

Finally I reached the front, but they wouldn't let me in because I wasn't accompanied by a small child.  Is that ageism or what? 

So I figured I'd be safer in a place where everyone sits and I wouldn’t be discriminated by my age...  so I went to the movie theater.

I secretly have wanted to see Everybody’s Fine since the preview.  It seemed like it had a good cast.  Even though the title makes me question, "If everybody's fine, why do I need to see the movie?"  

But then I got a little homesick.  And my Dad looks just like De Niro, just ask him.

See the resemblance?  TWINSIES!

The movie was okay.  I had low expectations because Entertainment Weekly gave it a D. 

 

My biggest issue with the movie was it’s deceiving title.   It's called "Everybody's Fine"

 

So, I expect it to be able people who are fine.  Maybe even fiiiiiine as in attractive.  But no, it's about….SPOILER ALERT people who are NOT fine.

 

Here’s why:

1.) SUPERMARKETS THAT SELL EVERYTHING 

-

The same person who sells De Niro a Barbeque also sells him a Christmas tree at the SAME SUPER MARKET --- Not fine, last time I went to Ralph's (that's like a Shaw’s for you east coasters) there was NO selling of $600 BBQS and or fully decorated Christmas trees

 

2.) HOT HOMELESS MEN- A homeless person is an attractive 20 something who kind of looks like Ashton Kutcher -- played by this guy:

Okay, maybe this one is fiiiiine, but definitely not fine as in everything is okay.  When was the last time you saw an attractive homeless person?  Even in Los Angles IT NEVER HAPPENS.  

 

3.) NO CELL PHONE

 De Niro doesn't own a cell phone just a 1970s answering machine on his landline.  NOT FINE. Who in 2009 does not have a cell phone?  If they were going to make sure a bold choice like that, they might have made some explaination of it.  Something as simple as, "Gee Dad, when are you going to get a cell phone."  

I should've known better.  I've been deceived before.  Like with the movie Milk.

  

I thought it was going to be about my second favorite beverage, but no.  It had NOTHING to do with milk the dairy product.  Got Milk?  This movie didn't…unless if by Milk you meant Harvey Milk.   Unlike the calcium filled drink, this movie did not do the body good, as my back cramped up for sitting down for so long.

For once I would like to see a movie where the title actually describes what the movie is actually about.  Why can't they make more movies that are true to their title? Like "One Fine Day".  

Which, FYI is also the name of a Korean TV Drama (THANKS GOOGLE)

But back to the movie. Guess what it's about?

One day, that was fine and that was it.  Michelle Phifer and George Clooney meet, have a fine day together, then the day ends and so does the movie, with a kiss and the two of them cuddling on the couch.

But then I got to wondering, what happens on that next day.  Is it still fine?  Would he call her?  Would she call him?  Would he suddenly become "busy" or need "space" or suddenly find an upgrade in her best friend?  We'll never know if Clooney and Phifer end up happily ever after.  They just kissed once. How many times have you kissed some one and everything seemed perfect at the time only to discover he was a compulsive liar, or a cheater, or just plain crazy.  Doesn’t sound like a happy ending to me.

Well to be fair it’s not real life.  It’s just a movie.

Also the little boy in the movie who was so adorable: 

Now looks like this:

 

WHAT'S A CAKE WALK?

"Cake Walk"

I heard that expression for the first time today.   What a bizarre phrase.  What exactly is a cake walk? Is it Lindsey Lohan getting cupcakes?  I sure hope not.   Because we all know that must be a rare occurrence.

Our dictionary defines it as:

cake·walk  (kkwôk)

n.

1. Something easily accomplished: Winning the race was a cakewalk for her.

intr.v., -walked, -walk·ing, -walks.

A cake walk doesn't seem like something easy.  When I hear the phrase, I picture a bunch of people, possibly with large funny hats walking around with ten layer wedding cakes.  Or worst something like this:

Walking around with that cake can not be easy at all.

If it was something easily accomplished, wouldn't it be called a "cake run"?  A run fast.  A walk takes time, and things that take time are never really easy.

And if a cake walk is so easy, then what's a walk in the park? 

If your park is Central Park or the Boston Commons after midnight, then that walk is not easy at all.  You know how many people have gotten murdered or mugged walking through these parks?  My mom reminds me every day.  Like this lady: 

  

She's getting attacked by a dog.  This is why I'm a cat person.  There I said it.  Cats would never attack you in the park.

And even during the day, a walk in the park isn't easy.  You could get stopped by homeless people, or be unable to move because of the sea of tourists taking pictures of everything.  Or if it happens to be frosty out, and per chance you are wearing cowboy boots and running 20 minutes late to your speech class, and haven't had your latte yet, you might slip and fall and cry.

Let's replace "cake walk" and a "walk in the park" with things that actually are easy to do, like  "getting a sorority drunk" or a "morning walk through Trader Joe's," the store is empty, there are free samples, everyone is nice and helpful and sometimes they play soothing oldies music.  EASY.

Speaking of cake, what about pie.  Why is it so easy?  "Easy as pie!"  The last time I made pie I almost lost a finger and burned my arm off.... and that was using a store bought crust!  It looked kinda like this:

There is nothing easy about making pie.  Unless they are taking about eating pie.  That sounds easier.  But in order to eat pie you have to either make it or live with your grandmother.  I feel like grandmas make pie.  Unless this is your Grandma:

Then she just eats a lot of pie.

Let's change that phrase to "easy as opening up a bag of chips", or "peeling a banana", or "making a PB&J sandwich".  These are EASY things.  Pie is not. 

And don't even say "easy peasy"  What is "peasy"?  That's not a thing.  I know it's not a thing because even Blogger is underlining it in red.  And the spell check on here sucks (see earlier blogs).  And peasy's not even a word!  SOMEONE just made it up so they could have something to rhyme with easy.  Actually, they didn't even put any effort into thinking of a new word they just put a "p" before "easy."  Yeah, real original.

Let's try to make this work:

Instead of "A Cake Walk" or a "Walk Through The Park" --- let's say "Getting a Sorority Drunk" or "A Morning Walk Through Trader Joe's"

Instead of "Easy As Pie" or *shiver* "Easy Peasy"  --- let's say "Easy as Peeling a Banana"

Or... any other suggestions?

SO, I'VE BEEN SPOONING WITH JOHN MAYER

And by "spooning with John Mayer" I mean curling up next to my laptop as it plays his latest album, "Battle Studies."  

Mom, please stop worrying about the radiation. 

And I know in my last blog I said I would compare John Mayer to Kris Allen, as Entertainment Weekly did.  But after much thought I realized this would involve me actually listening to Kris Allen's new album, and that just seemed too tedious.   

He spells his name with  "K"  I think that's as exciting as it's going to get.   Seriously which album would you rather listen to?

  vs. 

My first impression on this juxtaposition:  how can we even compare the two?

One is an accomplished artist and one of the best guitar players of our time, while the other won American Idol.

 

What is he looking up at?  God?  Because it's definitely not Seacrest... 

So, you can understand my confusion when I discovered Entertainment Weekly gave both John Mayer's and Kris Allen's new album the exact same rating: "B-".

 

"B-," that's the worst.    I wound't eat at a resturant with that rating. JK I've eaten at Fred 62.  Mmm milkshakes. B minus is almost a "C", definitely not an "A", it's almost like it's saying, "B-" better.

Why are they giving John Mayer's new album the same rating as Allen's which they claim "Lack[s] originality" and that Allen "stiffs around a musical identity but never quite curls up in one" and "gets stylistically lost."

Whereas Mayer seems to have it all down in what EW refers to as "Mayernomics" (I’d read that book), which is: "an expertly calibrated study of soft-pedal confessions searching lyricism, and mildly groovy guitar licks."

How EW can give someone with no "musical identity" and an "expert" the same rating baffles me.

Okay, maybe I'm just being bitter.  Like that one time when I got a B- on my research paper on the Controversy of Citizen Kane, which I slaved over, and my slacker friend got an A on her half baked paper she wrote the night before on Adderall about why she likes puppies.

Okay, yeah puppies are cute.  But Citizen Kane says "It's terrific" on the poster, so you know it was gipped of sweeping the Oscars. 

Back to Battle Studies.

I'll admit it, Mayer's Battle Studies is no Abbey Road.  I also didn't love it at first.  It felt like he was selling out with this soft rock crap.   Any thing remotely resembling a guitar solo sounded hushed.  On certain tracks I felt like I was listening to Seal.

And don't get me started on his Taylor Swift collaboration.  Can you really call it a “duet” and Swift is whispering in the background?

Also, the first track.  “Heartbreak Warfare,” distracts me because it sounds a lot like that song “8^th World Wonder,”…. Especially around the chorus part.

Here’s Heartbreak Warfare:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pukH72Z8Xe0

And here’s “8th World Wonder.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWRkbPX1to4

(ignore the anime)

Do you hear it?

But then I let the lyrics and melodies seep in.  That's where I think the true talent of this album lies.  Some of those melodies are just beautiful.  And as a whole it's a great album, with a thematic sound and a clear mood.   It's also an album you can sleep to, do work too, and play over and over again without getting bored.

Some of my favorite lyrics:

"I was born in the arms of imaginary friends"

Makes me feel popular because as a kid I had no friends.  Except for my cats, who were really more like "sisters".

 (That's another story).

"You whisper come on over cause you're two drinks in."

It happens.

"I don't remember you looking any better.  But then again I don't remember you."

That lyric always makes me laugh.

And "Perfectly Lonely."

Yep, that’s me.

What's your take on the new Mayer?

I think it's missing his cover of California Dreaming, which seriously rocks.  I would have prefered to to "Crossroads". You know the one he did on Conan with that boy’s choir, who were a little flat.  I wish I were in that choir...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNl-HpjnoOo

Hopefully it will be on the next John Mayer Trio album (fingers crossed).

Okay enough with Mayer obsession.  I think my blogs about him make me candidate for a restraining order. 

But my mother encourages it!  

She sent me this in an e-mail the other day:

Gabi...

The similarity between Gabi & John Mayer:

1. You are both from Connecticut

2. You both have hazel eyes

3. You both do stand up comedy

4. Campari... John drinks Campari... you wrote a recipe drink for Campari (I have it taped up on the kitchen cabinet)for me and Dad. We are a Campari household! How many people do you know drink Campari (your mom & dad drink Camapri)so it's related to you!

Sooo the next time you are at the Chateau Marmount sitting at the Courtyard Restaurant and John Mayer is across the room send him over a Campari & soda with lots of lime!

Love ya baby, MomXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

She lost me on the whole Campari comparison.  Could we be more general?  So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to camp out at Chateau Marmont with a sign reading “I have hazel eyes, I’m from Connecticut and I do stand-up”  while holding a campari with extra lime and we’ll see what happens.   Thanks MOM!