A decade of faux pas, tacky trends, and overused words is almost over. Inspired by @johncmayer, I have cooked up a list of words, phrases, trends, social customs etc. that I hope dies out by the end of the decade. In fact I am so hopeful that they will die out, that I have also proposed a solution to every problem.
Warning... I am idealistic. And yes, this may come off bitchy and insensitive, don’t take it personally, I’m just venting.
LEAVE IT IN THE 00'S
1.) ABERCROMBIE FIERCE COLOGNE
PROBLEM: it's bad enough they blast that scent though every shopping mall in America, worst when you date someone who wears it and can't go shopping without thinking about them. It really just needs to stop because in retrospect those "pheromones" smell more like developing "hormones" as a whiff of that stench takes me back to rejection I faced at middle school dances due to my braces, large size, obsession with show tunes, and questionable fashion sense.
SOLUTION: Abercrombie should replace the scent with the aroma of freshly baked cookies…
PROBLEM: It's just not fair that SOME of us who don't care about cancer and smelling like dead skin can go prancing around glowing 24/7, while the rest of us responsible people are labeled "pale" by the tanorexics of America.
SOLUTION: Make pale the new tan.
3.) BORAT IMPRESSIONS
PROBLEM: Enough already. We get it, you've seen the movie enough times that you can somehow muster up an impression that sounds half descent when you have a few Bud Lights in you. But seriously, how many times can you make "Sexy Time" and "Great success" work in daily conversation?
SOLUTION: Try Bruno impressio
ns instead, or be a step ahead, and test out Ali G.
4.) PEREZ HILTON
PROBLEM: Why is he still relevant? He was cool when he was working out of Coffee Bean and giving us the real insider’s scoop, now he just whored himself out. With his Lady Gaga obsession and need to out any male celebrity he finds remotely attractive... seriously I'm over it. We get it Perez, you like attention. Next time please give us something more worthy to look at.
SOLUTION: Instead of going to Perezhilton.com, read a book.
5.) “HOOKING UP”
PROBLEM: What does that mean? Getting together? Grabbing coffee? Getting a drink? Making out? Banging? My mother is VERY confused. I don't want to hear that some one “hooked up” last night unless they literally took a fishing rod with them to a bar, cast it across the room until it landed into the mouth of their sexual prey. That's what I call hooking up. Now where to get a fishing rod....
SOLUTION: Be more literal next time you kiss and tell…
6.) TEXT MESSAGE CONVERSATIONS
PROBLEM: unless you are somewhere where you cannot pick up the phone and have a conversation (i.e. work, church, a funeral etc.), then please don't have a text message conversation. This includes making plans via text message, catching up over text message, or my favorite, breaking up over text messaging.
SOLUTION: Pick up your phone.
7.) UGGS: PERFECT FOR ANY OCCASION
PROBLEM: Uggs are ugly. But they are super warm and incredibly comfortable. So yes, they're perfect for one occasion. When you are stomping through mounds of snow in Boston. But if you're in LA, and it's a perfect crisp bright and sunny 70-degree day, this means it is NOT the perfect occasion to pair your Ugg boots with your mini skirt and call it "fashion". There is never a time where it is cold enough to wear sheepskin boots but hot enough to wear a mini skirt that shows your whale tail. And don't even get me started on Man Uggs.. or Muggs if you must.
SOLUTION: Don’t wear Uggs unless it’s cold out
PROBLEM: If I see another magazine cover with those Twilight Twats I am going to cry. We get it vampires are sexy. But why is everything about Vampires these days? Can we move on to another creature of the night?
SOLUTION: Let's make Mummies sexy, or ghosts, or anything that doesn't involve fangs.
PROBLEM: Unless you are referring to the temperature of an air conditioned room or a crisp fall day, I am so tired of hearing this phrase.
SOLUTION: I propose we start bringing retro synonyms of "cool" back. Try these on for size: "swell", "groovy," "fetch," "rad," "attaboy," "spiffy" etc....
10.) BLUETOOTHS: YOUR BEST ACCESSORY
PROBLEM: I love these people that sport their Bluetooths during cardio kickboxing class at the gym. Are you really that important? And in the rare occurrence that you actually get a call during you're high kick reps are you actually going to answer it in the middle of class? And why must you bedazzle your too big for your tiny ear Bluetooth, Sir? I'm pretty sure that size or style doesn't matter in this case... or does it?
SOLUTION: Only use your Bluetooth in your car.
What do you think we should leave in the 00s?