Sunday, November 29, 2009


A decade of faux pas, tacky trends, and overused words is almost over.   Inspired by @johncmayer, I have cooked up a list of words, phrases, trends, social customs etc. that I hope dies out by the end of the decade.  In fact I am so hopeful that they will die out, that I have also proposed a solution to every problem.

Warning... I am idealistic.  And yes, this may come off bitchy and insensitive, don’t take it personally, I’m just venting.



PROBLEM: it's bad enough they blast that scent though every shopping mall in America, worst when you date someone who wears it and can't go shopping without thinking about them.  It really just needs to stop because in retrospect those "pheromones" smell more like developing "hormones" as a whiff of that stench takes me back to rejection I faced at middle school dances due to my braces, large size, obsession with show tunes, and questionable fashion sense.

SOLUTION: Abercrombie should replace the scent with the aroma of freshly baked cookies…


PROBLEM: It's just not fair that SOME of us who don't care about cancer and smelling like dead skin can go prancing around glowing 24/7, while the rest of us responsible people are labeled "pale" by the tanorexics of America.

SOLUTION: Make pale the new tan.


PROBLEM: Enough already.  We get it, you've seen the movie enough times that you can somehow muster up an impression that sounds half descent when you have a few Bud Lights in you.  But seriously, how many times can you make "Sexy Time" and "Great success" work in daily conversation?  

SOLUTION: Try Bruno impressio

ns instead, or be a step ahead, and test out Ali G.


PROBLEM: Why is he still relevant?  He was cool when he was working out of Coffee Bean and giving us the real insider’s scoop, now he just whored himself out. With his Lady Gaga obsession and need to out any male celebrity he finds remotely attractive... seriously I'm over it.  We get it Perez, you like attention. Next time please give us something more worthy to look at.

SOLUTION: Instead of going to, read a book.


PROBLEM: What does that mean?  Getting together? Grabbing coffee?  Getting a drink? Making out? Banging?   My mother is VERY confused.  I don't want to hear that some one “hooked up” last night unless they literally took a fishing rod with them to a bar, cast it across the room until it landed into the mouth of their sexual prey.  That's what I call hooking up. Now where to get a fishing rod....

SOLUTION: Be more literal next time you kiss and tell…


PROBLEM: unless you are somewhere where you cannot pick up the phone and have a conversation (i.e. work, church, a funeral etc.), then please don't have a text message conversation.  This includes making plans via text message, catching up over text message, or my favorite, breaking up over text messaging.

SOLUTION: Pick up your phone.


PROBLEM: Uggs are ugly.  But they are super warm and incredibly comfortable.  So yes, they're perfect for one occasion.  When you are stomping through mounds of snow in Boston.  But if you're in LA, and it's a perfect crisp bright and sunny 70-degree day, this means it is NOT the perfect occasion to pair your Ugg boots with your mini skirt and call it "fashion".  There is never a time where it is cold enough to wear sheepskin boots but hot enough to wear a mini skirt that shows your whale tail.  And don't even get me started on Man Uggs.. or Muggs if you must.

SOLUTION:  Don’t wear Uggs unless it’s cold out


entertainment weekly twilight cast november 20 cover_a

PROBLEM: If I see another magazine cover with those Twilight Twats I am going to cry.  We get it vampires are sexy.  But why is everything about Vampires these days?  Can we move on to another creature of the night?  

SOLUTION: Let's make Mummies sexy, or ghosts, or anything that doesn't involve fangs.

9.) "COOL"

PROBLEM: Unless you are referring to the temperature of an air conditioned room or a crisp fall day, I am so tired of hearing this phrase.  

SOLUTION: I propose we start bringing retro synonyms of "cool" back.  Try these on for size: "swell", "groovy," "fetch," "rad," "attaboy," "spiffy" etc....


PROBLEM: I love these people that sport their Bluetooths during cardio kickboxing class at the gym. Are you really that important?   And in the rare occurrence that you actually get a call during you're high kick reps are you actually going to answer it in the middle of class?  And why must you bedazzle your too big for your tiny ear Bluetooth, Sir?  I'm pretty sure that size or style doesn't matter in this case... or does it?

SOLUTION: Only use your Bluetooth in your car.

What do you think we should leave in the 00s?

Thursday, November 12, 2009

What An AAA-hole

Ah, Post College Poverty.

Also known as being finanically independent.

I pay for everything on my own.  Well, except my iPhone.  But I swear my parents only pay that so they can still control me.  Sorry, I mean call, e-mail and or poke me on Facebook at 403AM to express their "love." *cough* Mom *cough*.

So, I'm learning the hard way that with my newfound financial independence comes a budget.

"Budget" means separating your needs from your wants.

Like, I want to eat.

But I need a new pair of boots.

Like these:

The solution to get the boots and eat comes in packets of instant, but worldly food.

Like Trader Joe's Thai Noodles, at ninety-nine cents a piece.

I felt like Suzie homemaker the other night prepping a plastic bowl of this Thai Delight for the BF.

Who soon informed me this was Traders Joe's version of Ramen.

Great.  I'm so poor, I'm eating Ramen.

Before the budget, I used to think a lot of things were free. 

Like insurance.

I learned the hard way that AAA, unlike AA does not offer free juice and donuts.  Why am I paying $200 a month for car insurance and getting nothing in return?

Yeah, I know it's so I'm covered in the unlikely event that I get into an accident.

And then if I get into an accident the insurance "covers" it.  But they don't really cover it.  They just use the pool of money I've been paying them every month.  And then they start charging me more money.

I don't like spending money on things unless I immediately get something tangible in return. This is why I don't see the point of insurance.  I can't hold insurance, nor can I wear it with skinny jeans, nor is it by any means made for walking.   In conclusion, I would like to spend my car insurance money on boots.  

Monday, November 9, 2009

Nike Pumps For Your Boobs

Yes, this is a thing.

It's like Austin Power's Swedish made penis enlarger, but for boobies.

The boy sent this video to me at work:

Do you think he's making a subtle suggestion?

He prefaced it with "They're like a Nike Pumps, but for your boobs."

You see, in order to understand "girly parts" men need to relate it to sports.  Why else do you think guys use baseball to talk about sex?


After spending a good five minutes studying this Japanese commercial, while hoping no one walked by my desk at work thinking I was watching Asian porn; I was perplexed.


First of all they call this boob pump "God's Hands".   I think there is a lot of other places God's hand could be.  Such as working with a scientist to help find a cure for AIDS, cancer or end global warming.  The last place I would expect God’s hands to be is feeling up an Asian's A-cups.  So basically according to this product, God is a pervert?


I say Asian because this is a Japanese product.  I've heard the stereotype of all Asian women having an androgynous flat-chested body.  Is this true?  Is the commercial being racist or does it just know its audience?


Clearly this would never sell in the states.  Us American women are too fat to ever need a product like this.  How about a boob deflator for us lopsided ladies?  We can call it "God's Hands Let Go".


Also I don't love the design of this "bra".  It's obvious lace trim covers half of your boob. There's no way to hide this bra under a low cut shirt.  You might as well wear this bra with a sign that says, "I pumped these up."


Also the company is called "She's Mine."  Really?  It's that what lingerie is for?  To "mark your territory?"  


So if this was a subtle hint, I'm going to have to decline.  But I admit.  It would be fun to play with "God's Hands" for a hot second.


Size B


Size D


Size B


Size D


So where do you get one Japanese made boob enlarger?  Yeah baby, Yeah!