Tuesday, March 16, 2010


I think reading directions are a waste of time.  Which might explain why I suck at driving.  


My mother on the other hand loves directions.


She won’t use any product with out reading every single syllable on the label. 


Then she writes a letter to the FDA explaining to them why they are wrong.  Then she uses the product her way, which is enviably followed by this conversation:


MOM: How are your teeth so white?

ME:  I used Crest White Strips

MOM: How come, when I used them it didn't work?

ME: How long did you use them for?

MOM: Long enough*.

ME: It should’ve worked.

MOM: But really, how are your teeth so white?

ME: Crest White strips!


And this conversation circulates in an Abbott and Costello fashion until my mother finds something else to complain about. 


*To my mother, “long enough” was at most five minutes (instead of the prescribed 30).  If you met my Mother you would understand why her not talking for five minutes is as likely as you never seeing a Michael Jackson tribute ever again.


Just to prove the idiocy of reading directions on labels, here are the directions on the label of of an every day products that even a monkey would know how to use.


DIRECTIONS: Rinse or gargle for 30 seconds with one ounce (approximately 2/3 capful of this product).  Do not swallow. Get kissably close with this product.  The invigorating taste of this product tells you it’s killing germs that cause bad breath.  It’s minty taste tells you how minty fresh your breath can be.  Use this product and have confidence to get kissably close.


WTF.  Are these directions or an advertisement?!  First of all “kissably” is not a word.  Secondly, how do you expect me to take the time to precisely measure out the mouthwash, if I have some kissing to do?  And what happens if I overdose on the wash?  Or if I swallow it?  Hey, Refreshing Mouth Wash, instead of telling me that I need to kiss more people after using your product, how about you tell me how to not die from using your product?!



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