Midnight Mindset: THE BEST AND WORST DRESSED OF THE 2010 OSCARS: HOW OSCAR CAN BE SEDUCED BY THE RIGHT DRESS

I figure since Joan Rivers is still yapping about it on E!, I can too.

Here is my Best & Worst Dressed this years Oscars, some ranting, and a study on how to dress to win an Oscar.

THE BEST

CAMERON DIAZ

Classic Hollywood, sparkly, and even coordinates with the extravagant looking chandelier-like set,

So, Academy, I take it the recession is over?

I was so distracted by the shininess of her dress I almost forget about that napkin she called "couture" a few years back.

Yes Cameron, I'm just as surprised over why they keep on inviting you back every year. What exactly is your Oscar affiliation? The closest she ever got to an Oscar was an ALMA. I’m not sure what that is. Is that something we should remember? Oh no, that’s the Alamo. But don’t worry she was nominated for a Nickelodeon Kids Choice Award four times and NEVER won. That’s just as prestigious as an Oscar nom, right ?

MERYL STREEP

Perfection. Age appropriate and that white really makes her glow! In fact, she looked so gorgeous it inspired me to make a drink called “The Meryl”: muddled ginger, pineapple, vodka, sugar and grapefruit juice. According to a friend, the name fits because the drink looks wrinkly. According to me, Meryl is stunning even with these alleged wrinkles (she’s 60!), and that’s not just because a young Meryl was my Facebook Doppelganger.

SANDRA BULLOCK

So, apparently when you match your dress to your predicted Oscar, you win. Here’s another Oscar hint: no longer do you need to play someone who is handicap, homosexual, dying or a Nazi to go home with Oscar. All you have to do is dye your hair! And get dual use out of your new locks by making a box office flop where you dress like a “free sprit” who wears mini skirts and “wild” red boots.

Look at you not dressing like everybody else! Here’s a medal! We call it an Oscar! Only we’re giving it to you for that other movie you made this year that broke racial barriers and reminded us of your “range”…… in hair color.

DEMI MOORE

Gorgeous. Great color on you. Perfection. But I’m getting Déjà vu. Did you wear that before? No, not possible because when you designed your own dress it looked like this.

Am I the only one who notices this dress is a less poufy version of Penolope Cruz’ 2007 Oscar dress?

Which would make sense because they are both Versace….

MO’NIQUE

Damn girl, looking good! That dress is so vibrant I’m not even looking at your infamous hairy legs.

And just like her simple yet elegant dress, so was her Oscar speech. Which kinda disappointed me. I was hoping she would go into her stand-up riff on her hatred for skinny bitches.

Some of my favorite Mo’Nique quotes include:

“F*ck you skinny, bulimic, anorexic, mother f*ckers. Big women it’s about goddamn time! Skinny bitches are evil and need to be destroyed.” - Mo'Nique

You can watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fwjdtzk1Zs

This rant would've be fitting because her opponents (Penolope Cruz, Vera Farmiga, Anna Kendrick and Maggie Gyllenhaal) are skinny in comparison to her.

WORST

ZOE SALDANA

Such a shame because her hair and make-up was flawless. This dress was part Vanna White, part Gonzo.

She would’ve been better dressed if she went as her Avatar.

I didn't see Avatar... So I'm not sure if this is the right one.

MILEY CYRUS

When she presented I couldn’t help but adjust my own posture. It was like watching Quasi Motto. Miley claimed she was channeling Marilyn Monore on Oscar night, here’s the major difference, Marilyn would never hunch!

DIANE KRUGER

We get it you were a model and now you’re an actress, but please stop wearing runway on the red carpet. It doesn’t translate. You keep on going with these frumpy busy fabrics that might make sense during fashion week, but clashes with the red carpet.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

I love you, but what were you thinking with this? All of this is a miss. For starters, your face is melting. Please get your Botox before the show next time. And your hair! Ever hear of hair spray? Next time please use it before you’re under bright lights and on camera. I get it, it’s raining, but I’m sure you have access to a mirror at the Kodak. Hello! This is LA! Mirrors are everywhere to cater to the vanity of this town. And that dress, ek! You’re presenting an award for best costume design, would it kill you to put on a descent costume?! This dress is almost drooping more than your face. I hope this is not a preview of what we can expect in Sex & the City II, because if this is the case you can count me out of getting dressed up and going to the midnight showing.

CAREY MULLIGAN

You would think someone who was in a movie called “An Education” would have the smarts to put on a descent dress, instead of this Prada Plague. If the devil does indeed wear Prada, this needs to be burned in hell. First of all who thought it was a good idea to put cutlery on a dress?! Well the perk with this is if they run out of forks at the Governor’s Ball, Carey’s got you covered. Also, if you want to win, you better dress the part. When was the last time you saw someone win a best actress wearing a sloppy black dress? NEVER! Because Oscar winners don’t dress like they’re going to a funeral, unless you’re Nicole Kidman, but you can get away with it, because, well, you’re Nicole Kidman.