WHAT THOSE DATING BOOKS DON'T TELL YOU

Let's be honest.  We've all dated that asshole.  That's if you consider him buying you shots of Tequila at a bar a "date". 

Moving to a new city, I'm always excited to meet new gal pals.  We almost always seem to instantly bond when exchanging stories about our love life, or in my case the lack there of.  

I feel like I hear the same story over and over. It's either "he broke my heart", or "he won't stop stalking me”.   

Oh, and in girl talk, everything relates to a Sex & The City episode.  

"Oh he's cheating on you?  Don't worry this is totally like that episode of Sex & The City where Big cheated on Carrie and made her cry, but then they finally got married in the movie.  So, basically he's cheating on you because he wants to marry you!"

Oh yeah, that makes a lot of sense, Love Doctor.  

Then there are the dating books.  I have a friend who picks up a new self-help dating book every time her romance gets rocky. The other day, she confessed to me that she ran out of books.  I told her maybe it's not the books.  It’s the guy. 

So why do we think generic dating for dummies books and episodes of Sex & The City hold the answer to our dating drama?  

Well, I decided to come up with some easy to read self-help dating books.  On the outside: a bright sparkly cover, and inside: a simples sentence of the best advice I could give you for each dating scenario.  Some comes from my own from failures, others from my imagination.  

For example:

1.) "So, you're dating a Aires."

If you don't make him your number one priority, he'll find someone who does

2.) "So, You're Dating A Metro-sexual"

If he's prettier than you, he'll find a girl or guy more in his league, no matter how smart or "funny" you think you are.

3.) "So, You're Dating a Hipster"

Stop trying.  There's no way you heard about it before he did. No matter what “it” is.

4.) "So, You're Dating a Guy with A 'Brain Tumor'"

He's cheating on you. 

5.) "So, He Doesn't Speak English"

Do you speak his language? If not stop wasting your time. 

6.) "So, You're Dating A First Semester Well Dressed Male Freshman at Emerson College"

Gay by May.

7.) "So, He Has a Wife"

You're an idiot. 

8.) "So, You're Dating a Tween"

Stop.   That doesn't make you trendy or a cougar.

9.) "So, He Went to Comic Con and You Still Haven't Heard From Him And It's Been Two Months And You're Wondering What Happened"

He's over you.

10.) "So, He's Not Responding To Any Of Your Phone Calls, E-mails, Tweets, Or Texts, But You Know His Phone Works Because He Changed His Twitter Picture To A Shot of Him Looking at His iPhone"

Yes, he's ignoring you, move on. 

Any other suggestions?

"I feel like I just found out my favorite love song was about a sandwich"- 27 Dresses

I apologize in advance if this comes off  a little Sex & The City , but I assure you just like a good pair of stilettos this post has a point.  ;)

 I just finished watching 27 Dresses with my boyfriends Ben and Jerry.  Followed by a hour of Sex

...and The City.  

 I know some night I'm having.

My chick flick fiesta made me realize something.  Why is it that media for women always seems to have dumbed down dialog?  I have the feeling this choice is based on the same logic of why the news is filled with alliterations: "Weather Worries" "Drenched by Downpours" "Beer on the Bus?" .... sound familiar? 

As  a journalism major I learned to use alliteration to catch your  "stupid short attention span audience" with  catchy catchphrases.  I feel this same technique is used in a  Sex and the City script.  If the puns don't grab you, "I'm good at crossword puzzles.  I'm not so good at people puzzles."   Then the alliteration will: "Later that evening the couple I was in had a couple of hours to plan a dinner party for a couple of couples"

Oh sorry that's repetition --- shouldn't there be a limit on the amount of times you use "couple" in a sentence?

So why do we do this?  Is the female viewer just too stupid or has too short of an attention span to listen to well phrased english sentences?  Do we crave those clever alliteration and pun filled witty sentences?  If so how many people do you know that actually speak like that? 

Which leads me to conclude chick flicks and Sex and the City may be  frankly fiction, but alliteration is always  awesome.