CAN BLIND PEOPLE DRIVE CARS?

This is an important question.  I always thought it was illegal, but the fine people at Mustang seem to think differently.

A Mustang ad featured in the back of  Rolling Stone reads "It's not hard to give into your Mustang side.  Even if you are legally blind."

Then there is a picture of a man with sunglasses and a cowboy hat on driving a Mustang.  

I'm assuming he's the blind guy because you'd have to be vision impaired to think a cowboy hat is a fine choice in headpieces.

Oh but it gets better.

Below it assures me that yes, this is a blind guy operating the cobalt blue Mustang as it reads:

"Roger Keeney lost his sight 20 years ago.  But that didn't stop him from unleashing his Mustang side in a new 2010 Mustang."

Okay I get it.  Mustangs are such an obviously choice in cars that even a blind guy could "see" it.

But this ad is also hazardous saying blind people should drive cars.  I'm pretty sure that's not only illegal but also impossible.  

In this ad Rodger is driving by himself.  That can't be too safe for a blind guy.

So basically the people at Mustang are liars.  If they're telling me blind people can drive, and I know that's a lie, then I don't believe that it's not hard to give into your "mustang side"or  whatever the hell that means.

Also this ad is discriminatory.  If they really wanted blind people to drive Mustangs, they would've made this ad in brail. 

ELTON JOHN SAY WHAT?!

Confession: Sometimes I pretend my car is a karaoke bar.

It's really a lot of fun, until I stop short and spill my martini all over me.

I'm kidding!  I don't drink and drive.  I'm too busy tweeting on my iPhone.

No but seriously,  I do sing and drive.   Anyone else?

I've been getting really good at mocking the tenor part of Frankie Vallie and the Four Seasons.  And by the Four Seasons I mean the Jersey Boys Original Broadway Cast Recording.  It sounds the same, until they start talking.

In addition to jukebox musicals I also belt along to Elton John. 

But often midway through "Bennie & The Jets"  I have to stop and ask myself... what the hell am I singing? 

No offense, but for someone with a lyricist, Elton John has some pretty confusing lyrics.  I'm convinced he chooses them based on how much fun he has saying the words instead of asking,"does this make sense?".

Like what exactly is Bennie & The Jet's about?

Yeah it's really fun to belt "B-B-B-B Bennie and the Jets!"  But I really can't remember any other lyric from the song.

But thanks to Google, now I do.

I bet you never knew THESE were the lyrics of the chorus:

Say, Candy and Ronnie, have you seen them yet

But they're so spaced out, B-B-B-Bennie and the Jets

Oh but they're weird and they're wonderful

Oh Bennie she's really keen

She's got electric boots a mohair suit

You know I read it in a magazine

B-B-B-Bennie and the Jets

WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?!?!?!?!

Who are Bennie and Jets?  And out of all things that you would read about Bennie and her jets, why is the ONLY thing that you recall about her is that she has electirc boots and a mohair suit?  I get it Elton, you're gay, but come on.   And how does this fashion choice make her weird and wonderful?

I think there are some subliminal messages in here.  Like the lyric "We'll kill the fatted calf tonight."  Huh?!  What's a fatted calf and why do you want to kill it?  Are you promoting violence SIR Elton? Good thing he didn't call "Bennie and the Jets" "Your Song."  Yikes.

But my favorite lyric of this confusing song is the last, or shall I say the "call to action".

Where we fight our parents out in the streets

To find who's right and who's wrong 

What would happen if a kid actually fought his parents in the "streets" because of this jam?  Then the kid would go trial and the judge asked why, the kid would plead "Elton John told me to do it."

Not only that, but the "sir" wants us to fight our parents out in the streets, not even in the comfort of our own homes, but out in the cold streets to see who's "right" and who's "wrong"? Why?  For Bennie?!  What did Bennie ever do besides wear electric boots?    

But the tune is really catchy.  Bennie!  Bennie!  

PS I just looked up Bennie and Jets on Wikipedia and it all makes sense now.

In case you're curious:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bennie_and_the_Jets

But you have to admit, I do have a point about how it's hard to remember/sing along to Elton's lyrics.  Try it.  Turn your car into a karaoke bar.  I dare you.

G.I JANE, YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY, BABY

"GI Jane Breaks the Combat Barrier"

I'm not sure if I should be happy or offended.   

According to The New York Times this is a victory since "Before 2001 America's military women have barely seen combat but the Afganistan and Iraqui wars have changed that".

At last!  The glass ceiling has been broken!  And it's all because of those adorable GI Janes.

GI Janes, really?  Is that what we call women in combat?  Do we call men in combat GI Joes?  I never heard of someone beefy army man try to pick up a girl at a bar by saying, "I guess you could call me a GI Joe."

While the term GI Joe might spring up found childhood memories, let us not forget what a GI Joe really is.  A boy's Barbie.  Yes boys, that really is what GI Joes are, Dolls. 

Oh yeah, and GI Joe is also one of this summer's box office flops reviewed by Rotten Tomatoes as having, "silly writing, inconsistent visual effects, and merely passable performances".

Be it a GI Joe or a GI Jane both terms have a very "cute" and doll like connotation to them.  Saying that GI Jane's are breaking barriers is just like saying, "We've come a long way, baby".   Gag me. 

But the funny thing is these "GI Janes" don't look very cute or doll-like in battle.  Have you ever seen a photo of a GI Jane sporting baggy camouflage threads and a crew cut?  How can you tell if that solider is a "Jane" or a "Joe"?

But don't worry America, I have a solution.  It comes from a valuable lesson learned from every chick flick I've ever seen: When in doubt.....

MAKE OVER MONTAGE! 

First thing we need to stop the crew cut.  In the meantime try a wig, if Britney Spears can rock one pole dancing surely you can rock one in combat.  And those baggy clothes have to go. I'm thinking something tighter, maybe show off some skin.  How about a camaflaugue bikini?  I mean you are in the desert, you might as well be getting a full body tan while you're out there.  And those combat boots are so... how do I say this politely... Daria of you.  Let's switch it up with a nice heeled boot.  I'm thinking Jimmy Choo...

 

You're welcome Uncle Sam. 

Life According to My Mother

My mother writes great e-mails.

And by great I mean absurd.

Don't get me wrong.  I love my mother.  But her daily e-mails are getting a little out of hand. Topics of these e-mails have contained such "breaking news" as: "you know, texting and driving is deadly"  or "Did you hear, Megan Fox has a flaw.  She has hammer thumb!  I just saw it on TMZ." or my favorite "Good News!  I just read in Allure Magazine that's it's completely normal for your boobs to be lopsided" 

I'm pretty certain my mother would equate informing me about the normalcy of my uneven rack with the same urgency of notifying me that a distant family member has died.  

Here's the epic unabridged e-mail she sent me today entirely about the pros and cons of garlic:

Hey Gabi,

I forgot to mention as I ran upstairs to brush my teeth and gargle!

You have to definately brush your teeth and gargle with mouth wash

after having a delicious slice of garlic bread...because iif you don't no

one will talk to you! ( If your by yourself don't worry!)

You cannot smell garlic on your breath but believe me everyone will!

Also ( from my dental hygienist days) do not eat garlic if you have an

appointment or a hot date the next day because garlic seeps through

your skin pores the next day otherwise enjoy!!!

Love Ya, MomXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Oh, Mom.  At last clarity.  The answer to why I am still single.  Garlic breath.  That's the last time I order escargot on a date. 

I'm kidding I don't go on dates and if I go on one they're certainly not "hot".  Well at least my mom believes in my love life.  

Don't get me wrong, this email does have some breaking news.  Sadly it's buried in her garlic gab.  This is the first time I ever heard that my mother had experience being a dental hygienist.  I'm shocked.  Instead of sending me on those painful visits to the dentist, my mom could've just done my annual cleanings herself.  Thanks a lot Mom. 

Hello, My Name is Gabi and I am a Twitter-holic

I admit it.  My tweets were getting out of hand.  But honestly, the 140 character limit is stifling my creativity and ability to fully inform people what I was doing every second of the day.  

140 characters is definitely NOT enough to tell people this VIT (Very Important Tweet)  I was just about to post:

"That I just made a delicious bean salad with black beans, corn, cherry tomatoes, red onion, peppers, avocado, cous-cous, cilantro, lime juice and salt and pepper, salmon marinated in a papaya mango salsa grilled to perfection on my George Foreman with a side of broccoli freshly steamed..... in the microwave.  The meal took me maybe 15 minutes to make.  Yes that's right Rachel Ray and your 3o Minute Meals, I just one uped you.  Eat my shorts."

I'm just kidding I would never tweet that much.  That's what blogs are for.  

No seriously, this TMIOT (too much info on twitter) trend is getting out of hand.  One of the reasons I stopped following a bunch of people, is just how narcissistic people are.  Like no one gives a crap that you are eating, sleeping, watching TV, etc.  Unless you're John Mayer.  Then I want to know what you do every second of your day and I'll still find it entertaining and hysterical. 

But then there are people like Spencer634:

@Spencer634 tweets:  "I need a guy to F%&@ me Monday through Friday.  Please be disease free and happy"

WOAH Spencer634 TMI!!  I mean don't we all want that? That pretty much describes the perfect mate.  Disease free, happy, and great in bed. But why does Spencer634 only want this dream dude Monday - Friday?  What about the rest of the week?  Does she need to take a breather?   Read a book?  Go to Church?  Or maybe that's when she screws her Saturday-Sunday diseased unhappy guy?  I'm starting to think Spencer634 isn't a real person.  Is this what defines a sex-bot? 

But the sad thing is,  I think twit-aholics actually think that other people care what they are doing every second of the day.  Twitter really should change it's prompt to "What are you doing?  If you don't have anything funny or intriguing to say, don't say it at all."

It's the same thing with Facebook Photos.  I love these people with 1034 photos of themselves and half are just of them taken in their Mac Photo Booth.  Yes I too take the classic "thug life" and "sexy pose" photos on my PhotoBooth in the privacy of my own home, but I sure as hell don't tag those photos on Facebook for all of my 856 "friends" to see. 

I think Janeane Garofalo on Jimmy Fallon said it best, when giving her two cents about Twitter:

"I have the decency to hate myself.  Young people don't have any grasp on self loathing and how to censor"

You are so wise Janeane.  Just for you, I WILL have the decency to hate myself and self censor.  But first let me turn off E!  

 

Sorry America, I'm not "Mad" for "Mad Men" or Flannel

I just watched Mad Men for 2 hours.  

Yes I know the show is an hour long, but I had to watch it twice so I could fully understand it.  Is it just me, or is Mad Men too smart?  Or perhaps my attention span just isn't sophisticated enough for it.  It's really hard for me to follow the show.  Hence, I don't think I could ever really get into the show.

The only thing  I can follow about Mad Men is the style.  I wish I could wear a big pouffy dress, heels and my hair teased up just to go get groceries or frolic around town without people giving me looks.  I just feel that life would be more fun if everyone dressed in Mad Men style 24/7.  

Yes, I mean you LA Boys, I'm so over the "versatile" flannel shirt.  No flannel is not timeless, classic nor dressy.  There is a reason why it is a staple to the "grunge" look and prior to 2009 you only saw flannel on lumberjacks and lesbians.  

Here's an old school SAT analogy to clarify:

1.) FLANNEL: BOYS

(A) THE LITTLE BLACK DRESS: GIRLS

(B) THE PERFECT PUMP: GIRLS

(C) CLASSIC WHITE BUTTON DOWN: GIRLS

(D)UGGS: GIRLS

No, flannel fiends (A) is not the correct match, nor is (B), or (C).   (D) UGGS:GIRLS is the perfect match. Come on Flannel Lovers,  make an effort.  We (well I do at least) have to wear Spanx to fit into my imitation Herve Leger Bandage Dresses, please be a little more creative.

Honestly I'm sick of going out and being engulfed in a sea of flannel.  Don't get me wrong, I have some flannel shirts, But I respect and understand that they are casual wear. 

Anyway back to Mad Men.  I find it interesting of what a phenomenon this show has become.  It's become more than a show, it's a lifestyle.  I can't believe that people watched the premiere in Time Sqaure dressed up Mad Man Style (honestly I'm a little jel I wish I was there, kinda). What is this New Years?  AND on all days... Woodstock's Birthday -- how rude!

I would rant about it but my favorite NYTimes Columnist Frank Rich nailed it:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/16/opinion/16rich.html?_r=1&em

Shaws Sucks

VS.

Sunday = Food Shopping Day

Every Sunday I get beyond excited to venture over to the happiest place on earth, Trader Joes, to bask in the glory of their vast selection of unique groceries.

It also comes to that point where the only food in my fridge is egg whites... and I cant brown bag that... or can I?

But I was too busy today playing a porn star in a movie (not a porn), updating my twitter (too much), going to core fusion (accidently without a sports bra, luckily I didn't pull a Janet),  and catching up with friends (it's been too long).  

 

So I missed Trader Joes :(

But then realized Shaws is open 24/7 (rumor has it).... so I headed over.  Only to discover Shaws is not Trader Joes.

In case you were wondering, here are the pros and cons of Shaw's

1.) Pro- it's open 24/7

Con- that's a myth, it actually closes at 11PM on Sundays

2.) Pro- It's huge

Con- It's huge

3.) Pro- Sometimes there are specials

Con- Those specials deceive you into spending $6 on avocados 

4.) Pro- There's a cab stand

Con- The cab stand is gone at 11PM

5.) Pro- there's an organic section

Con- It carries $15 peanut butter

6.) Pro- you can buy almost anything there

Con- which inevitably doubles your "grocery bill"  which now includes an assortment of beauty products, post-its,  and $11 bottled water which you didn't realize until after you paid the bill

In conclusion

Shaws Sucks --- Trader Joes 4 Life