Life According to My Mother

My mother writes great e-mails.

And by great I mean absurd.

Don't get me wrong.  I love my mother.  But her daily e-mails are getting a little out of hand. Topics of these e-mails have contained such "breaking news" as: "you know, texting and driving is deadly"  or "Did you hear, Megan Fox has a flaw.  She has hammer thumb!  I just saw it on TMZ." or my favorite "Good News!  I just read in Allure Magazine that's it's completely normal for your boobs to be lopsided" 

I'm pretty certain my mother would equate informing me about the normalcy of my uneven rack with the same urgency of notifying me that a distant family member has died.  

Here's the epic unabridged e-mail she sent me today entirely about the pros and cons of garlic:

Hey Gabi,

I forgot to mention as I ran upstairs to brush my teeth and gargle!

You have to definately brush your teeth and gargle with mouth wash

after having a delicious slice of garlic bread...because iif you don't no

one will talk to you! ( If your by yourself don't worry!)

You cannot smell garlic on your breath but believe me everyone will!

Also ( from my dental hygienist days) do not eat garlic if you have an

appointment or a hot date the next day because garlic seeps through

your skin pores the next day otherwise enjoy!!!

Love Ya, MomXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Oh, Mom.  At last clarity.  The answer to why I am still single.  Garlic breath.  That's the last time I order escargot on a date. 

I'm kidding I don't go on dates and if I go on one they're certainly not "hot".  Well at least my mom believes in my love life.  

Don't get me wrong, this email does have some breaking news.  Sadly it's buried in her garlic gab.  This is the first time I ever heard that my mother had experience being a dental hygienist.  I'm shocked.  Instead of sending me on those painful visits to the dentist, my mom could've just done my annual cleanings herself.  Thanks a lot Mom.