WHAT'S A CAKE WALK?

"Cake Walk"

I heard that expression for the first time today.   What a bizarre phrase.  What exactly is a cake walk? Is it Lindsey Lohan getting cupcakes?  I sure hope not.   Because we all know that must be a rare occurrence.

Our dictionary defines it as:

cake·walk  (kkwôk)

n.

1. Something easily accomplished: Winning the race was a cakewalk for her.

intr.v., -walked, -walk·ing, -walks.

A cake walk doesn't seem like something easy.  When I hear the phrase, I picture a bunch of people, possibly with large funny hats walking around with ten layer wedding cakes.  Or worst something like this:

Walking around with that cake can not be easy at all.

If it was something easily accomplished, wouldn't it be called a "cake run"?  A run fast.  A walk takes time, and things that take time are never really easy.

And if a cake walk is so easy, then what's a walk in the park? 

If your park is Central Park or the Boston Commons after midnight, then that walk is not easy at all.  You know how many people have gotten murdered or mugged walking through these parks?  My mom reminds me every day.  Like this lady: 

  

She's getting attacked by a dog.  This is why I'm a cat person.  There I said it.  Cats would never attack you in the park.

And even during the day, a walk in the park isn't easy.  You could get stopped by homeless people, or be unable to move because of the sea of tourists taking pictures of everything.  Or if it happens to be frosty out, and per chance you are wearing cowboy boots and running 20 minutes late to your speech class, and haven't had your latte yet, you might slip and fall and cry.

Let's replace "cake walk" and a "walk in the park" with things that actually are easy to do, like  "getting a sorority drunk" or a "morning walk through Trader Joe's," the store is empty, there are free samples, everyone is nice and helpful and sometimes they play soothing oldies music.  EASY.

Speaking of cake, what about pie.  Why is it so easy?  "Easy as pie!"  The last time I made pie I almost lost a finger and burned my arm off.... and that was using a store bought crust!  It looked kinda like this:

There is nothing easy about making pie.  Unless they are taking about eating pie.  That sounds easier.  But in order to eat pie you have to either make it or live with your grandmother.  I feel like grandmas make pie.  Unless this is your Grandma:

Then she just eats a lot of pie.

Let's change that phrase to "easy as opening up a bag of chips", or "peeling a banana", or "making a PB&J sandwich".  These are EASY things.  Pie is not. 

And don't even say "easy peasy"  What is "peasy"?  That's not a thing.  I know it's not a thing because even Blogger is underlining it in red.  And the spell check on here sucks (see earlier blogs).  And peasy's not even a word!  SOMEONE just made it up so they could have something to rhyme with easy.  Actually, they didn't even put any effort into thinking of a new word they just put a "p" before "easy."  Yeah, real original.

Let's try to make this work:

Instead of "A Cake Walk" or a "Walk Through The Park" --- let's say "Getting a Sorority Drunk" or "A Morning Walk Through Trader Joe's"

Instead of "Easy As Pie" or *shiver* "Easy Peasy"  --- let's say "Easy as Peeling a Banana"

Or... any other suggestions?

SO, I'VE BEEN SPOONING WITH JOHN MAYER

And by "spooning with John Mayer" I mean curling up next to my laptop as it plays his latest album, "Battle Studies."  

Mom, please stop worrying about the radiation. 

And I know in my last blog I said I would compare John Mayer to Kris Allen, as Entertainment Weekly did.  But after much thought I realized this would involve me actually listening to Kris Allen's new album, and that just seemed too tedious.   

He spells his name with  "K"  I think that's as exciting as it's going to get.   Seriously which album would you rather listen to?

  vs. 

My first impression on this juxtaposition:  how can we even compare the two?

One is an accomplished artist and one of the best guitar players of our time, while the other won American Idol.

 

What is he looking up at?  God?  Because it's definitely not Seacrest... 

So, you can understand my confusion when I discovered Entertainment Weekly gave both John Mayer's and Kris Allen's new album the exact same rating: "B-".

 

"B-," that's the worst.    I wound't eat at a resturant with that rating. JK I've eaten at Fred 62.  Mmm milkshakes. B minus is almost a "C", definitely not an "A", it's almost like it's saying, "B-" better.

Why are they giving John Mayer's new album the same rating as Allen's which they claim "Lack[s] originality" and that Allen "stiffs around a musical identity but never quite curls up in one" and "gets stylistically lost."

Whereas Mayer seems to have it all down in what EW refers to as "Mayernomics" (I’d read that book), which is: "an expertly calibrated study of soft-pedal confessions searching lyricism, and mildly groovy guitar licks."

How EW can give someone with no "musical identity" and an "expert" the same rating baffles me.

Okay, maybe I'm just being bitter.  Like that one time when I got a B- on my research paper on the Controversy of Citizen Kane, which I slaved over, and my slacker friend got an A on her half baked paper she wrote the night before on Adderall about why she likes puppies.

Okay, yeah puppies are cute.  But Citizen Kane says "It's terrific" on the poster, so you know it was gipped of sweeping the Oscars. 

Back to Battle Studies.

I'll admit it, Mayer's Battle Studies is no Abbey Road.  I also didn't love it at first.  It felt like he was selling out with this soft rock crap.   Any thing remotely resembling a guitar solo sounded hushed.  On certain tracks I felt like I was listening to Seal.

And don't get me started on his Taylor Swift collaboration.  Can you really call it a “duet” and Swift is whispering in the background?

Also, the first track.  “Heartbreak Warfare,” distracts me because it sounds a lot like that song “8^th World Wonder,”…. Especially around the chorus part.

Here’s Heartbreak Warfare:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pukH72Z8Xe0

And here’s “8th World Wonder.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWRkbPX1to4

(ignore the anime)

Do you hear it?

But then I let the lyrics and melodies seep in.  That's where I think the true talent of this album lies.  Some of those melodies are just beautiful.  And as a whole it's a great album, with a thematic sound and a clear mood.   It's also an album you can sleep to, do work too, and play over and over again without getting bored.

Some of my favorite lyrics:

"I was born in the arms of imaginary friends"

Makes me feel popular because as a kid I had no friends.  Except for my cats, who were really more like "sisters".

 (That's another story).

"You whisper come on over cause you're two drinks in."

It happens.

"I don't remember you looking any better.  But then again I don't remember you."

That lyric always makes me laugh.

And "Perfectly Lonely."

Yep, that’s me.

What's your take on the new Mayer?

I think it's missing his cover of California Dreaming, which seriously rocks.  I would have prefered to to "Crossroads". You know the one he did on Conan with that boy’s choir, who were a little flat.  I wish I were in that choir...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNl-HpjnoOo

Hopefully it will be on the next John Mayer Trio album (fingers crossed).

Okay enough with Mayer obsession.  I think my blogs about him make me candidate for a restraining order. 

But my mother encourages it!  

She sent me this in an e-mail the other day:

Gabi...

The similarity between Gabi & John Mayer:

1. You are both from Connecticut

2. You both have hazel eyes

3. You both do stand up comedy

4. Campari... John drinks Campari... you wrote a recipe drink for Campari (I have it taped up on the kitchen cabinet)for me and Dad. We are a Campari household! How many people do you know drink Campari (your mom & dad drink Camapri)so it's related to you!

Sooo the next time you are at the Chateau Marmount sitting at the Courtyard Restaurant and John Mayer is across the room send him over a Campari & soda with lots of lime!

Love ya baby, MomXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

She lost me on the whole Campari comparison.  Could we be more general?  So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to camp out at Chateau Marmont with a sign reading “I have hazel eyes, I’m from Connecticut and I do stand-up”  while holding a campari with extra lime and we’ll see what happens.   Thanks MOM!

THIS IS MY CONFESSION

Confession:  Entertainment Weekly is my weekly bible.  Adam Lambert, not so much.  I read it cover to cover, laugh out loud from the Hit List to the Bulls-eye and feel smart reading either Steven Kings or Diablo Cody's column.

 

But I also must admit that my guilty pleasure has also been my buzz kill.

 

Do you know how many movies I was told not to go to, or albums I couldn't buy, because they had less than a C+ review in Entertainment Weekly and my father deemed them unworthy?

 

I'll never forget back in my jock phase, and by jock phase I mean I wore shirts like this:

paired with Adidas shorts and soccer sneakers, when the closest I ever got to soccer was ridding in a mini van...once. 

 

Back when I was a jock, I remember the movie I was super excited to see was "Space Jam" because I thought Michael Jordan was cool and I had this weird crush on Bugs Bunny.  

Also, I totally had the soundtrack.  Not only did it introduce me to R&B, but it was also my only non-show-tunes album in my book of CDs.  Sandwiched between "Rent" and "South Pacific. "  

 

I had it all planned out.  I was going to be the "cool" (here is where cool is appropriate, because it's in a sarcastic tone and or referring to something that happened in the 90s) girl because I was going to take 12 of my closest (and only) friends to see "Space Jam" for my 10th birthday, even though my birthday was a month away.  Ah, how sweet it is to have a shafted summer birthday.  And right before I was ready to go, holding on to my Bugs Bunny Space Jam addition doll, which came with my double cheeseburgers, fries and coke from McDonalds, my father broke the news:

 

 

"Entertainment Weekly gave "Space Jam" a D+"

 

GASP!

 

I froze.  How could a movie I was so excited to see get ripped apart by my bible?  Who was I to believe, Looney Tunes and the sounds of R. Kelly or my father?  I was so torn.  

 

After much debate, I saw the movie.

 

Looking back, Entertainment Weekly was right.  It sucked. Just like R. Kelly sucks [insert joke].

 

Why am I an Entertainment Weekly Weakling?  Am I alone?  

Current EW debate: The mag gave both John Mayer's (aka genius) and Chris Allen's (aka who?) new albums, both a B-.  Now that not a Space Jam D+, but still, can we really equate these two?  Last I checked, one is an artist and the other a puppet of American Idol.  

 

Stay tuned... and in depth comparison of both albums to follow.

 

LEAVE IT IN THE 00's

A decade of faux pas, tacky trends, and overused words is almost over.   Inspired by @johncmayer, I have cooked up a list of words, phrases, trends, social customs etc. that I hope dies out by the end of the decade.  In fact I am so hopeful that they will die out, that I have also proposed a solution to every problem.

Warning... I am idealistic.  And yes, this may come off bitchy and insensitive, don’t take it personally, I’m just venting.

LEAVE IT IN THE 00'S

1.) ABERCROMBIE FIERCE COLOGNE  

PROBLEM: it's bad enough they blast that scent though every shopping mall in America, worst when you date someone who wears it and can't go shopping without thinking about them.  It really just needs to stop because in retrospect those "pheromones" smell more like developing "hormones" as a whiff of that stench takes me back to rejection I faced at middle school dances due to my braces, large size, obsession with show tunes, and questionable fashion sense.

SOLUTION: Abercrombie should replace the scent with the aroma of freshly baked cookies…

2.) TANNING 

PROBLEM: It's just not fair that SOME of us who don't care about cancer and smelling like dead skin can go prancing around glowing 24/7, while the rest of us responsible people are labeled "pale" by the tanorexics of America.

SOLUTION: Make pale the new tan.

3.) BORAT IMPRESSIONS

PROBLEM: Enough already.  We get it, you've seen the movie enough times that you can somehow muster up an impression that sounds half descent when you have a few Bud Lights in you.  But seriously, how many times can you make "Sexy Time" and "Great success" work in daily conversation?  

SOLUTION: Try Bruno impressio

ns instead, or be a step ahead, and test out Ali G.

4.) PEREZ HILTON

PROBLEM: Why is he still relevant?  He was cool when he was working out of Coffee Bean and giving us the real insider’s scoop, now he just whored himself out. With his Lady Gaga obsession and need to out any male celebrity he finds remotely attractive... seriously I'm over it.  We get it Perez, you like attention. Next time please give us something more worthy to look at.

SOLUTION: Instead of going to Perezhilton.com, read a book.

5.) “HOOKING UP” 

PROBLEM: What does that mean?  Getting together? Grabbing coffee?  Getting a drink? Making out? Banging?   My mother is VERY confused.  I don't want to hear that some one “hooked up” last night unless they literally took a fishing rod with them to a bar, cast it across the room until it landed into the mouth of their sexual prey.  That's what I call hooking up. Now where to get a fishing rod....

SOLUTION: Be more literal next time you kiss and tell…

6.) TEXT MESSAGE CONVERSATIONS

PROBLEM: unless you are somewhere where you cannot pick up the phone and have a conversation (i.e. work, church, a funeral etc.), then please don't have a text message conversation.  This includes making plans via text message, catching up over text message, or my favorite, breaking up over text messaging.

SOLUTION: Pick up your phone.

7.) UGGS: PERFECT FOR ANY OCCASION 

PROBLEM: Uggs are ugly.  But they are super warm and incredibly comfortable.  So yes, they're perfect for one occasion.  When you are stomping through mounds of snow in Boston.  But if you're in LA, and it's a perfect crisp bright and sunny 70-degree day, this means it is NOT the perfect occasion to pair your Ugg boots with your mini skirt and call it "fashion".  There is never a time where it is cold enough to wear sheepskin boots but hot enough to wear a mini skirt that shows your whale tail.  And don't even get me started on Man Uggs.. or Muggs if you must.

SOLUTION:  Don’t wear Uggs unless it’s cold out

8.) VAMPIRES 

PROBLEM: If I see another magazine cover with those Twilight Twats I am going to cry.  We get it vampires are sexy.  But why is everything about Vampires these days?  Can we move on to another creature of the night?  

SOLUTION: Let's make Mummies sexy, or ghosts, or anything that doesn't involve fangs.

9.) "COOL"

PROBLEM: Unless you are referring to the temperature of an air conditioned room or a crisp fall day, I am so tired of hearing this phrase.  

SOLUTION: I propose we start bringing retro synonyms of "cool" back.  Try these on for size: "swell", "groovy," "fetch," "rad," "attaboy," "spiffy" etc....

10.) BLUETOOTHS: YOUR BEST ACCESSORY

PROBLEM: I love these people that sport their Bluetooths during cardio kickboxing class at the gym. Are you really that important?   And in the rare occurrence that you actually get a call during you're high kick reps are you actually going to answer it in the middle of class?  And why must you bedazzle your too big for your tiny ear Bluetooth, Sir?  I'm pretty sure that size or style doesn't matter in this case... or does it?

SOLUTION: Only use your Bluetooth in your car.

What do you think we should leave in the 00s?

What An AAA-hole

Ah, Post College Poverty.

Also known as being finanically independent.

I pay for everything on my own.  Well, except my iPhone.  But I swear my parents only pay that so they can still control me.  Sorry, I mean call, e-mail and or poke me on Facebook at 403AM to express their "love." *cough* Mom *cough*.

So, I'm learning the hard way that with my newfound financial independence comes a budget.

"Budget" means separating your needs from your wants.

Like, I want to eat.

But I need a new pair of boots.

Like these:

The solution to get the boots and eat comes in packets of instant, but worldly food.

Like Trader Joe's Thai Noodles, at ninety-nine cents a piece.

I felt like Suzie homemaker the other night prepping a plastic bowl of this Thai Delight for the BF.

Who soon informed me this was Traders Joe's version of Ramen.

Great.  I'm so poor, I'm eating Ramen.

Before the budget, I used to think a lot of things were free. 

Like insurance.

I learned the hard way that AAA, unlike AA does not offer free juice and donuts.  Why am I paying $200 a month for car insurance and getting nothing in return?

Yeah, I know it's so I'm covered in the unlikely event that I get into an accident.

And then if I get into an accident the insurance "covers" it.  But they don't really cover it.  They just use the pool of money I've been paying them every month.  And then they start charging me more money.

I don't like spending money on things unless I immediately get something tangible in return. This is why I don't see the point of insurance.  I can't hold insurance, nor can I wear it with skinny jeans, nor is it by any means made for walking.   In conclusion, I would like to spend my car insurance money on boots.  

Nike Pumps For Your Boobs

Yes, this is a thing.

It's like Austin Power's Swedish made penis enlarger, but for boobies.

The boy sent this video to me at work:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtIcedRcIk0&feature=player_embedded

Do you think he's making a subtle suggestion?

He prefaced it with "They're like a Nike Pumps, but for your boobs."

You see, in order to understand "girly parts" men need to relate it to sports.  Why else do you think guys use baseball to talk about sex?

 

After spending a good five minutes studying this Japanese commercial, while hoping no one walked by my desk at work thinking I was watching Asian porn; I was perplexed.

 

First of all they call this boob pump "God's Hands".   I think there is a lot of other places God's hand could be.  Such as working with a scientist to help find a cure for AIDS, cancer or end global warming.  The last place I would expect God’s hands to be is feeling up an Asian's A-cups.  So basically according to this product, God is a pervert?

 

I say Asian because this is a Japanese product.  I've heard the stereotype of all Asian women having an androgynous flat-chested body.  Is this true?  Is the commercial being racist or does it just know its audience?

 

Clearly this would never sell in the states.  Us American women are too fat to ever need a product like this.  How about a boob deflator for us lopsided ladies?  We can call it "God's Hands Let Go".

 

Also I don't love the design of this "bra".  It's obvious lace trim covers half of your boob. There's no way to hide this bra under a low cut shirt.  You might as well wear this bra with a sign that says, "I pumped these up."

 

Also the company is called "She's Mine."  Really?  It's that what lingerie is for?  To "mark your territory?"  

 

So if this was a subtle hint, I'm going to have to decline.  But I admit.  It would be fun to play with "God's Hands" for a hot second.

 

Size B

*pump*

Size D

*deflate*

Size B

*pump*

Size D

 

So where do you get one Japanese made boob enlarger?  Yeah baby, Yeah!