Thursday, January 8, 2009

No, I will not clap when class is over

I took a cardio kick boxing class the other day  that's me in the black with the mullet and those are my new friends.  You know, so I can learn how to kick butt and look cute while doing it. 

Group Fitness classes are never "fun" no matter how much the intructor tries to convince you otherwise.  There is nothing fun about being in a sweaty stinky room with menopausal women as jock jams blast. 

Entering class I notice fitness steps everywhere.  I have two phobias in life: cheerleaders and fittness steps.  My fittness step phobia roots back to my a step class I took with a bunch of overly peppy cheerleaders who I "accidently" smacked when I feel out of sync in class.  I was then asked to leave.  

At the site of the steps I almost ran out of the class to go on the treadmill, which translates to me walking under four miles per hour while watching and laughing out loud to Family Guy.  But, I decided to conquer my fitness step fear.   I scoped the class out.  A lot of out of shape moms, a few former cheerleaders and a hand ful of high school prositots with a fresh face of makeup and the most inappropriate dress attire (seriously who puts make-up on to go to the gym?  Please stop you make the rest of us look bad) .  Oh and there was one guy, he had to be either whipped or gay.

Oh, and this class is held in a room with big glass windows, so everyone in the gym can see you fail.  It makes me want to take the class more seriously.  But as always I trip over my feet.  I'm  the one that the  instructor is yelling at "you in the back, kick higher!"  "You in the back focus!".  Yep, that's me, I'm the one in the back.  

But I made it through class, barely.  And when the last verse of "pump it up" played, and the class is over, everyone claps.  Everyone but me.  Why are we clapping?  The instructor didn't just do a sick guitar solo, hit a high note, or preform Shakespeare.  She just yelled at our fat asses for an hour.  And the worst part is that we are all standing.  So now we are giving her  standing ovation for doing, well not a whole lot.  

So No, I will not clap at the end of a group fitness class.  It's not that I'm ungrateful or rude.  It's just that it's not my style, sorry.  

But the worst part of my cardio kick boxing catastrophe happened after class.  It was the  moment when I discovered that my newly attained kick boxing skills do not translate on the "streets", "in the hood", or anyplace where you find yourself kicking something other than air.  And  I learned this the hard way. 

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