THIS IS MY CONFESSION

Confession:  Entertainment Weekly is my weekly bible.  Adam Lambert, not so much.  I read it cover to cover, laugh out loud from the Hit List to the Bulls-eye and feel smart reading either Steven Kings or Diablo Cody's column.

 

But I also must admit that my guilty pleasure has also been my buzz kill.

 

Do you know how many movies I was told not to go to, or albums I couldn't buy, because they had less than a C+ review in Entertainment Weekly and my father deemed them unworthy?

 

I'll never forget back in my jock phase, and by jock phase I mean I wore shirts like this:

paired with Adidas shorts and soccer sneakers, when the closest I ever got to soccer was ridding in a mini van...once. 

 

Back when I was a jock, I remember the movie I was super excited to see was "Space Jam" because I thought Michael Jordan was cool and I had this weird crush on Bugs Bunny.  

Also, I totally had the soundtrack.  Not only did it introduce me to R&B, but it was also my only non-show-tunes album in my book of CDs.  Sandwiched between "Rent" and "South Pacific. "  

 

I had it all planned out.  I was going to be the "cool" (here is where cool is appropriate, because it's in a sarcastic tone and or referring to something that happened in the 90s) girl because I was going to take 12 of my closest (and only) friends to see "Space Jam" for my 10th birthday, even though my birthday was a month away.  Ah, how sweet it is to have a shafted summer birthday.  And right before I was ready to go, holding on to my Bugs Bunny Space Jam addition doll, which came with my double cheeseburgers, fries and coke from McDonalds, my father broke the news:

 

 

"Entertainment Weekly gave "Space Jam" a D+"

 

GASP!

 

I froze.  How could a movie I was so excited to see get ripped apart by my bible?  Who was I to believe, Looney Tunes and the sounds of R. Kelly or my father?  I was so torn.  

 

After much debate, I saw the movie.

 

Looking back, Entertainment Weekly was right.  It sucked. Just like R. Kelly sucks [insert joke].

 

Why am I an Entertainment Weekly Weakling?  Am I alone?  

Current EW debate: The mag gave both John Mayer's (aka genius) and Chris Allen's (aka who?) new albums, both a B-.  Now that not a Space Jam D+, but still, can we really equate these two?  Last I checked, one is an artist and the other a puppet of American Idol.  

 

Stay tuned... and in depth comparison of both albums to follow.

 

LEAVE IT IN THE 00's

A decade of faux pas, tacky trends, and overused words is almost over.   Inspired by @johncmayer, I have cooked up a list of words, phrases, trends, social customs etc. that I hope dies out by the end of the decade.  In fact I am so hopeful that they will die out, that I have also proposed a solution to every problem.

Warning... I am idealistic.  And yes, this may come off bitchy and insensitive, don’t take it personally, I’m just venting.

LEAVE IT IN THE 00'S

1.) ABERCROMBIE FIERCE COLOGNE  

PROBLEM: it's bad enough they blast that scent though every shopping mall in America, worst when you date someone who wears it and can't go shopping without thinking about them.  It really just needs to stop because in retrospect those "pheromones" smell more like developing "hormones" as a whiff of that stench takes me back to rejection I faced at middle school dances due to my braces, large size, obsession with show tunes, and questionable fashion sense.

SOLUTION: Abercrombie should replace the scent with the aroma of freshly baked cookies…

2.) TANNING 

PROBLEM: It's just not fair that SOME of us who don't care about cancer and smelling like dead skin can go prancing around glowing 24/7, while the rest of us responsible people are labeled "pale" by the tanorexics of America.

SOLUTION: Make pale the new tan.

3.) BORAT IMPRESSIONS

PROBLEM: Enough already.  We get it, you've seen the movie enough times that you can somehow muster up an impression that sounds half descent when you have a few Bud Lights in you.  But seriously, how many times can you make "Sexy Time" and "Great success" work in daily conversation?  

SOLUTION: Try Bruno impressio

ns instead, or be a step ahead, and test out Ali G.

4.) PEREZ HILTON

PROBLEM: Why is he still relevant?  He was cool when he was working out of Coffee Bean and giving us the real insider’s scoop, now he just whored himself out. With his Lady Gaga obsession and need to out any male celebrity he finds remotely attractive... seriously I'm over it.  We get it Perez, you like attention. Next time please give us something more worthy to look at.

SOLUTION: Instead of going to Perezhilton.com, read a book.

5.) “HOOKING UP” 

PROBLEM: What does that mean?  Getting together? Grabbing coffee?  Getting a drink? Making out? Banging?   My mother is VERY confused.  I don't want to hear that some one “hooked up” last night unless they literally took a fishing rod with them to a bar, cast it across the room until it landed into the mouth of their sexual prey.  That's what I call hooking up. Now where to get a fishing rod....

SOLUTION: Be more literal next time you kiss and tell…

6.) TEXT MESSAGE CONVERSATIONS

PROBLEM: unless you are somewhere where you cannot pick up the phone and have a conversation (i.e. work, church, a funeral etc.), then please don't have a text message conversation.  This includes making plans via text message, catching up over text message, or my favorite, breaking up over text messaging.

SOLUTION: Pick up your phone.

7.) UGGS: PERFECT FOR ANY OCCASION 

PROBLEM: Uggs are ugly.  But they are super warm and incredibly comfortable.  So yes, they're perfect for one occasion.  When you are stomping through mounds of snow in Boston.  But if you're in LA, and it's a perfect crisp bright and sunny 70-degree day, this means it is NOT the perfect occasion to pair your Ugg boots with your mini skirt and call it "fashion".  There is never a time where it is cold enough to wear sheepskin boots but hot enough to wear a mini skirt that shows your whale tail.  And don't even get me started on Man Uggs.. or Muggs if you must.

SOLUTION:  Don’t wear Uggs unless it’s cold out

8.) VAMPIRES 

PROBLEM: If I see another magazine cover with those Twilight Twats I am going to cry.  We get it vampires are sexy.  But why is everything about Vampires these days?  Can we move on to another creature of the night?  

SOLUTION: Let's make Mummies sexy, or ghosts, or anything that doesn't involve fangs.

9.) "COOL"

PROBLEM: Unless you are referring to the temperature of an air conditioned room or a crisp fall day, I am so tired of hearing this phrase.  

SOLUTION: I propose we start bringing retro synonyms of "cool" back.  Try these on for size: "swell", "groovy," "fetch," "rad," "attaboy," "spiffy" etc....

10.) BLUETOOTHS: YOUR BEST ACCESSORY

PROBLEM: I love these people that sport their Bluetooths during cardio kickboxing class at the gym. Are you really that important?   And in the rare occurrence that you actually get a call during you're high kick reps are you actually going to answer it in the middle of class?  And why must you bedazzle your too big for your tiny ear Bluetooth, Sir?  I'm pretty sure that size or style doesn't matter in this case... or does it?

SOLUTION: Only use your Bluetooth in your car.

What do you think we should leave in the 00s?

What An AAA-hole

Ah, Post College Poverty.

Also known as being finanically independent.

I pay for everything on my own.  Well, except my iPhone.  But I swear my parents only pay that so they can still control me.  Sorry, I mean call, e-mail and or poke me on Facebook at 403AM to express their "love." *cough* Mom *cough*.

So, I'm learning the hard way that with my newfound financial independence comes a budget.

"Budget" means separating your needs from your wants.

Like, I want to eat.

But I need a new pair of boots.

Like these:

The solution to get the boots and eat comes in packets of instant, but worldly food.

Like Trader Joe's Thai Noodles, at ninety-nine cents a piece.

I felt like Suzie homemaker the other night prepping a plastic bowl of this Thai Delight for the BF.

Who soon informed me this was Traders Joe's version of Ramen.

Great.  I'm so poor, I'm eating Ramen.

Before the budget, I used to think a lot of things were free. 

Like insurance.

I learned the hard way that AAA, unlike AA does not offer free juice and donuts.  Why am I paying $200 a month for car insurance and getting nothing in return?

Yeah, I know it's so I'm covered in the unlikely event that I get into an accident.

And then if I get into an accident the insurance "covers" it.  But they don't really cover it.  They just use the pool of money I've been paying them every month.  And then they start charging me more money.

I don't like spending money on things unless I immediately get something tangible in return. This is why I don't see the point of insurance.  I can't hold insurance, nor can I wear it with skinny jeans, nor is it by any means made for walking.   In conclusion, I would like to spend my car insurance money on boots.  

Nike Pumps For Your Boobs

Yes, this is a thing.

It's like Austin Power's Swedish made penis enlarger, but for boobies.

The boy sent this video to me at work:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtIcedRcIk0&feature=player_embedded

Do you think he's making a subtle suggestion?

He prefaced it with "They're like a Nike Pumps, but for your boobs."

You see, in order to understand "girly parts" men need to relate it to sports.  Why else do you think guys use baseball to talk about sex?

 

After spending a good five minutes studying this Japanese commercial, while hoping no one walked by my desk at work thinking I was watching Asian porn; I was perplexed.

 

First of all they call this boob pump "God's Hands".   I think there is a lot of other places God's hand could be.  Such as working with a scientist to help find a cure for AIDS, cancer or end global warming.  The last place I would expect God’s hands to be is feeling up an Asian's A-cups.  So basically according to this product, God is a pervert?

 

I say Asian because this is a Japanese product.  I've heard the stereotype of all Asian women having an androgynous flat-chested body.  Is this true?  Is the commercial being racist or does it just know its audience?

 

Clearly this would never sell in the states.  Us American women are too fat to ever need a product like this.  How about a boob deflator for us lopsided ladies?  We can call it "God's Hands Let Go".

 

Also I don't love the design of this "bra".  It's obvious lace trim covers half of your boob. There's no way to hide this bra under a low cut shirt.  You might as well wear this bra with a sign that says, "I pumped these up."

 

Also the company is called "She's Mine."  Really?  It's that what lingerie is for?  To "mark your territory?"  

 

So if this was a subtle hint, I'm going to have to decline.  But I admit.  It would be fun to play with "God's Hands" for a hot second.

 

Size B

*pump*

Size D

*deflate*

Size B

*pump*

Size D

 

So where do you get one Japanese made boob enlarger?  Yeah baby, Yeah! 

Coming Summer Two Thousand and Never

"So where do you go out?"

That's probably my least favorite question of all time.  

How do you respond to that?

"Does drinking beer by myself as I watch Gossip Girl count as going out?    Sometimes they go out to hotspots in New York, so technically I'm going with them?"

Or: "How about picking up enough sushi take-out to feed a family of four but it's all for me?  I interact with the host, who barely speaks English that has to count for something.... right?

Or am I supposed to say something like this:

"On Mondays I go to Bar, on Tuesdays it's all about Dance, Wednesdays aka Humpday I go to Grind, Thursdays is all about Thirsty, Fridays I go to The Bar, not to be confused with Bar which is a total dive compared to The Bar, do you follow? Saturdays it's Bedroom and Sundays it's Castle."

Clearly I don't say the later, and no, those are not real places, at least to my knowledge.  But I kid you not; I overheard a real person saying something like this at a club.  You know, one of those places where the Grey Goose flows, booty shows and beats and flashing lights can give you seizures…. especially if those beats are the sound of Sean Paul.  This person was either very rich or very unemployed. 

You might be wondering... how can you tell if a club is "hotspot" or not?

Well, here's how you can find out:

1.) Is it's name one word, or better yet, one syllable?

2.) Is it packed?

3.) Did you have to wait out side on line for longer than ten minutes?

4.) Does the DJ play bad, almost irritating music? 

5.) Is it filled with D-bags and or self-proclaimed gods?

6.) Do you spot a lot of fake hair, tans, eyelashes, boobs, teeth, etc?

7.) Are there D-list celebrities there? 

8.) Are the drinks over priced?

9.) Does it have a subtle but consistent theme?

10.) Do you spot a lot of wardrobe malfunctions?

If you answered, "yes" to at least five of these questions, congratulations you have stumbled into a “club”.  Persuade someone to buy you an overpriced drink, but be sure to leave before he asks for your number...

But don't worry America, you are in luck, because in my spare time I like to invent night clubs.  

Here’s what I’ve got so far:

1.) THE POST OFFICE- All the drinks would be packaged up with stamps and string and would be served to you through mail shoots.  We'd hire a mildly good actor to "go postal" every few hours, just to keep things interesting.  And every song played would have to mention something mail related, like anything by The Postal Service or songs like “Mr. Postman"… actually I’m not sure how many others songs exist about mail…so there might be a lot of repeats… what like you haven’t heard that before at a club?  And all the male staff would wear shirts that say “The Post Office” on the front and "I've got a package for you" on the back.  Okay so maybe this would be a gay bar.....

2.) SUBWAY --- this would be funny because people would get confused all the time.  You'd tell them to meet you at subway and they would be waiting for you at the place where they serve five-dollar foot longs or on an actual subway platform.   This would be a great way to stand someone up, because let’s face it, do you really want to waste your time dating some one who doesn’t know which Subway you’re referring to?  It’s like get a map!  Am I right?  The outside of the spot would look like a New York subway, we'd even hire a bum to stand in the front and ask you for change, clean your windshield wipers, or just insult you.  He could also double as the bouncer.   Inside would all be underground; all the drinks would be served in those New York Style blue and white Greek Coffee cups.   And everything would be crazy cheap.  But we could afford to do that because the sanitation is questionable.  Also ever ten minutes it would sound like a train was passing through.

3.) THE DENTIST - It would look just like a dentists office.  Soft rock would play, and outdated US Weekly’s would be everywhere.  All the drinks would be mint, cherry or bubble gum flavored.  Okay not all the drinks that would be gross... but some drinks could be that.  And you could get a "cleaning" where they would put you on a dentist’s chair and throw a shot down your throat, Coyote Ugly style.  All the drinks would be named after dentist procedures or terms like "tooth ache" "root canal" "the drill" "cavity" "plaque" "tarter" "crown" etc.   And when you left you could have your choice of a sticker or small plastic toy.  

These three clubs are coming to a major city near you, summer of two thousand and never.

Thoughts?

I WANT TO DATE A VAMPIRE

"Love Sucks"

Says the billboard for Vampire Diaries.  You know that new TV show that's cast looks like carbon copies of those Twilight twats?

Speaking of billboards, where is my "OMFG" Gossip Girl Billboard? Enough of this Melrose Place "Ménage-Tues" and "Tuesday is the new Hump day," I want me some Gossip Girl puns. Someone is slacking over there in publicity.  I just got word that the new season starts next Monday, and I haven't seen ONE advertisement. 

But perhaps this could be credited to the absence of Entertainment Weekly in my mailbox.  I think it's time I give it up and stop playing hard to get to EW's "GABI, we want you back" Plea-mails.

Back to the Vampires.  I think I just figured out why my love life sucks: Because I'm not dating a vampire.  

Think about it.  A vampire would make the perfect boyfriend.

Here's why:

• Vampire's never eat: can you say "perfect dinner date?" You know he can't Bogart that delicious chocolate molten cake with vanilla ice cream you ordered for desert. 
  
• Vampires are my type:  Tall, handsome, great bone structure (what ever the hell that means) and a little sickly looking... yum-my.  Also I tend to date guys with very pointy verniers.. or maybe they're really vampires?
  
• Vampires sparkle:  I like sparkly things.  In the sun, vampires sparkle.  Who need diamonds if your boy sparkles like one?
  
• Vampires watch you sleep:  Some might find this creepy, but I think it's adorable.  Also it shows that he's trust-worthy.  If he's watching you sleep, then you know he's not sleeping with someone else.
  

So it looks like I need to snag me a vampire.  Where can I find one?  V-Harmony? And how do I make my V-Harmony profile attractive to the Edward Cullen type?

WHAT THOSE DATING BOOKS DON'T TELL YOU

Let's be honest.  We've all dated that asshole.  That's if you consider him buying you shots of Tequila at a bar a "date". 

Moving to a new city, I'm always excited to meet new gal pals.  We almost always seem to instantly bond when exchanging stories about our love life, or in my case the lack there of.  

I feel like I hear the same story over and over. It's either "he broke my heart", or "he won't stop stalking me”.   

Oh, and in girl talk, everything relates to a Sex & The City episode.  

"Oh he's cheating on you?  Don't worry this is totally like that episode of Sex & The City where Big cheated on Carrie and made her cry, but then they finally got married in the movie.  So, basically he's cheating on you because he wants to marry you!"

Oh yeah, that makes a lot of sense, Love Doctor.  

Then there are the dating books.  I have a friend who picks up a new self-help dating book every time her romance gets rocky. The other day, she confessed to me that she ran out of books.  I told her maybe it's not the books.  It’s the guy. 

So why do we think generic dating for dummies books and episodes of Sex & The City hold the answer to our dating drama?  

Well, I decided to come up with some easy to read self-help dating books.  On the outside: a bright sparkly cover, and inside: a simples sentence of the best advice I could give you for each dating scenario.  Some comes from my own from failures, others from my imagination.  

For example:

1.) "So, you're dating a Aires."

If you don't make him your number one priority, he'll find someone who does

2.) "So, You're Dating A Metro-sexual"

If he's prettier than you, he'll find a girl or guy more in his league, no matter how smart or "funny" you think you are.

3.) "So, You're Dating a Hipster"

Stop trying.  There's no way you heard about it before he did. No matter what “it” is.

4.) "So, You're Dating a Guy with A 'Brain Tumor'"

He's cheating on you. 

5.) "So, He Doesn't Speak English"

Do you speak his language? If not stop wasting your time. 

6.) "So, You're Dating A First Semester Well Dressed Male Freshman at Emerson College"

Gay by May.

7.) "So, He Has a Wife"

You're an idiot. 

8.) "So, You're Dating a Tween"

Stop.   That doesn't make you trendy or a cougar.

9.) "So, He Went to Comic Con and You Still Haven't Heard From Him And It's Been Two Months And You're Wondering What Happened"

He's over you.

10.) "So, He's Not Responding To Any Of Your Phone Calls, E-mails, Tweets, Or Texts, But You Know His Phone Works Because He Changed His Twitter Picture To A Shot of Him Looking at His iPhone"

Yes, he's ignoring you, move on. 

Any other suggestions?