Thursday, September 24, 2009

Coming Summer Two Thousand and Never

"So where do you go out?"

That's probably my least favorite question of all time.  

How do you respond to that?

"Does drinking beer by myself as I watch Gossip Girl count as going out?    Sometimes they go out to hotspots in New York, so technically I'm going with them?"

Or: "How about picking up enough sushi take-out to feed a family of four but it's all for me?  I interact with the host, who barely speaks English that has to count for something.... right?

Or am I supposed to say something like this:

"On Mondays I go to Bar, on Tuesdays it's all about Dance, Wednesdays aka Humpday I go to Grind, Thursdays is all about Thirsty, Fridays I go to The Bar, not to be confused with Bar which is a total dive compared to The Bar, do you follow? Saturdays it's Bedroom and Sundays it's Castle."

Clearly I don't say the later, and no, those are not real places, at least to my knowledge.  But I kid you not; I overheard a real person saying something like this at a club.  You know, one of those places where the Grey Goose flows, booty shows and beats and flashing lights can give you seizures…. especially if those beats are the sound of Sean Paul.  This person was either very rich or very unemployed. 

You might be wondering... how can you tell if a club is "hotspot" or not?

Well, here's how you can find out:

1.) Is it's name one word, or better yet, one syllable?

2.) Is it packed?

3.) Did you have to wait out side on line for longer than ten minutes?

4.) Does the DJ play bad, almost irritating music? 

5.) Is it filled with D-bags and or self-proclaimed gods?

6.) Do you spot a lot of fake hair, tans, eyelashes, boobs, teeth, etc?

7.) Are there D-list celebrities there? 

8.) Are the drinks over priced?

9.) Does it have a subtle but consistent theme?

10.) Do you spot a lot of wardrobe malfunctions?

If you answered, "yes" to at least five of these questions, congratulations you have stumbled into a “club”.  Persuade someone to buy you an overpriced drink, but be sure to leave before he asks for your number...

But don't worry America, you are in luck, because in my spare time I like to invent night clubs.  

Here’s what I’ve got so far:

1.) THE POST OFFICE- All the drinks would be packaged up with stamps and string and would be served to you through mail shoots.  We'd hire a mildly good actor to "go postal" every few hours, just to keep things interesting.  And every song played would have to mention something mail related, like anything by The Postal Service or songs like “Mr. Postman"… actually I’m not sure how many others songs exist about mail…so there might be a lot of repeats… what like you haven’t heard that before at a club?  And all the male staff would wear shirts that say “The Post Office” on the front and "I've got a package for you" on the back.  Okay so maybe this would be a gay bar.....

2.) SUBWAY --- this would be funny because people would get confused all the time.  You'd tell them to meet you at subway and they would be waiting for you at the place where they serve five-dollar foot longs or on an actual subway platform.   This would be a great way to stand someone up, because let’s face it, do you really want to waste your time dating some one who doesn’t know which Subway you’re referring to?  It’s like get a map!  Am I right?  The outside of the spot would look like a New York subway, we'd even hire a bum to stand in the front and ask you for change, clean your windshield wipers, or just insult you.  He could also double as the bouncer.   Inside would all be underground; all the drinks would be served in those New York Style blue and white Greek Coffee cups.   And everything would be crazy cheap.  But we could afford to do that because the sanitation is questionable.  Also ever ten minutes it would sound like a train was passing through.

3.) THE DENTIST - It would look just like a dentists office.  Soft rock would play, and outdated US Weekly’s would be everywhere.  All the drinks would be mint, cherry or bubble gum flavored.  Okay not all the drinks that would be gross... but some drinks could be that.  And you could get a "cleaning" where they would put you on a dentist’s chair and throw a shot down your throat, Coyote Ugly style.  All the drinks would be named after dentist procedures or terms like "tooth ache" "root canal" "the drill" "cavity" "plaque" "tarter" "crown" etc.   And when you left you could have your choice of a sticker or small plastic toy.  

These three clubs are coming to a major city near you, summer of two thousand and never.


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