MY GLASSES MAKE ME LOOK SMART

On an interview I was asked if I read books.  I broke into a cold sweat.  

"Of course!  Who doesn't read books?" 

I laughed awkwardly.

"Right.  So what books do you read?"

The last books I read flashed through my head:

"He's Just Not That Into You"

Yeah, Gabi that sounds sane.

"Think Like A Guy"

Again, stop it with the self-help dating for dummies books. 

"Are You There Vodka, It's Me Chelsea"

If they laughed at you when you asked for it at Saint Marks Bookshop: An Independent Book Store, they're sure as hell are going to laugh at you now. 

“All The Gossip Girl books”

What are you a tween?  Grow up.

See here's the thing.  I do read.  Just online, I blame the Internet. 

Sometimes I'll go into a Barnes & Nobles just to browse the jackets of books, so I can feel “well read”.  Just being inside that store makes me feel smart.  The classical music, the shelves upon shelves of books on topics I've never heard of, the aroma of espresso, and most importantly, lots of people wearing glasses. 

Ah glasses, the universal sign of intelligence.  I always wanted glasses, but every time I got my eyes checked my vision was 20/20.  Perfect eyesight.  I would leave the doctor's office heart broken.

Then I went to Emerson College, where I realized that not only did I want glasses, I needed them.  My popped collars, schoolgirl skirts and Pocahontas boots made me stick out like a soar thumb amongst the sea of Punks, Emos and Hipsters.  I needed to wear something that people would take me seriously in. 

So, I started wearing glasses without lenses.  It worked like a charm until I was a camp counsler and one of my nine year old campers asked me:

"Gabi, why do you wear glasses without lenses?"

Oh, kids!  You can always count on them to point out your flaws.

So I did what any hipster would do.  I went to Urban Outfitters and got glasses with lenses and no prescription.  

But apparently fake glasses make you need real glasses.  Junior year of college I was having trouble reading the board in classes and the teleprompter on air.  I got my eyes checked and finally my dreams came true.  I was vision impaired.  I got a prescription, which I held with pride like a golden ticket to Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory.  I got my trendy pair of glasses and at last, people were starting to take me seriously. 

Like the other day, I was drawing on the sidewalk with chalk.  To promote the boutique's sale, of course.  I was wearing in a pencil skirt, lots of layers and of course my Tina Fey/ Sarah Palin glasses. Suddenly, this lady stopped above me.

"Your glasses are just beautiful"

"Psh, it's not the glasses, it's just me"

Nope, didn't say that.  I have been living in LA for two months but my head is not that big.  Yet.  Instead I told her what any normal glasses wearing person would say:

"Thanks!  I need these because I can't see distance!"

She looked at me like I had two heads.

But you know what?  This whole not being able to see distance thing is a real handicap. Perhaps this is why I am such a bad driver?  

I have a hard time seeing people walk towards me on the street.  Like the other day, I parked my car and headed to work.  Then a mini cooper pulled up next to me and the driver, a girl with over sized sunglasses yelled at me:

"Hey!  Wanna ride?"

I froze.  Who the hell was this person? Do I really look like a hitchhiker? Mother always said never take rides from strangers, this is how you get kidnapped.

"No.. thanks.. I'm good.

The girl's jaw dropped.  

"Wait, what?! Are you for real?  Gabi, it's me.  Lindsey"

Shit.  That's my boss.

Luckily she has a sense of humor and laughed at it with me.  But it was embarrassing at the time.  

And sometimes my glasses give off the wrong impression.

Election Day 2008: I was walking down Boylston Street with my navy skirt suit, hair in a mullet (poof/business on the top, curls/party in the back), and my glasses.  I was feeling like a real classy broad until someone shouted:

"Hey! Look!  It's Sarah Palin!"

And that's the last time I dress like that.  Ever.

Hold on someone is calling my name from far away.  I can't see them.  I need to get my glasses.